threshprinceoffuckyou: (before i reached my verdict)
Karkat Vantas - carcinoGeneticist ([personal profile] threshprinceoffuckyou) wrote in [community profile] rakuen2012-02-08 04:12 pm

[conquest wide network post][karkat shut up: the sequel]

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] opened memo BALL GROPING DOUCHEBAG INSTITUTION --

LISTEN UP
THIS SCHOOL HAS CHOSEN ME TO BE ONE OF ITS "PLAYERS" EVEN THOUGH I'VE ONLY JUST ARRIVED
THEREBY SUGGESTING THAT I AM A BILLION TIMES BETTER THAN ALL OF YOU
THAT I AM SMARTER, BETTER LOOKING AND MORE CAPABLE THAN YOU ARE, WHOEVER YOU ARE.
WHICH IS 100% IRREFUTABLE FACT.

HOLY SHIT, I JUST SKIMMED WHAT I JUST WROTE AND WOW I AM A DOUCHEBAG
BUT ENOUGH CHIT CHAT.
THIS IS AN AD FOR A WEAPON, ASSHOLES.

WANTED: A WEAPON
PREFERABLY A SICKLE BECAUSE THAT'S MY SPECIALTY
BUT ANY SHORT-RANGED WEAPON WOULD DO

TERMS AND CONDITIONS
1.) THIS IS NOT A WALK IN THE GODDAMN PARK. I AM NOT BATTLING FOR THE "LOLS" AND THE "FUNSIES", I AM FIGHTING TO *WIN*. I NEED A WEAPON WITH DREAMS AND HALF THE AMBITION I HAVE. TRUST ME, HALF IS ENOUGH.
2.) I NEED SOMEONE WHOSE BALLS WILL NOT SHRIVEL UP WHEN I SCREAM AT THEM. SERIOUSLY, HALF OF YOU NOOKSNIFFERS CRY AT EVERYTHING I SAY. IT GETS ANNOYING AFTER A WHILE. IF I WANTED TO MAKE YOU CRY, I WOULD DELIVER A HEAPING PILE OF TROLLING ON YOUR ASS OR JUST PUNCH YOU SQUARE IN THE FACE. YOU GUYS ARE MAKING THIS WAY TOO DAMN EASY FOR ME.

BENEFITS
1.) YOU WILL BE GRANTED FULL RIGHTS. YOU WILL BE FREE TO FROLIC AND TRIP ANYWHERE YOU WANT TO GO. SERIOUSLY, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT WHAT YOU DO AS MY WEAPON, JUST BE THERE WHEN I FIGHT. I'LL TEXT YOU OR SOMETHING.
2.) MY HANDS WILL BE KEPT TO MYSELF, IN CASE ANYBODY'S AFRAID OF MOLESTATION. I DON'T WANT TO TOUCH YOUR GROSS MAMMALIAN JUNK ANYWAY. ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE SHITHOLE SPECTRUM, I WON'T HURT YOU. I GIVE YOU MY WORD.
3.) I'VE BEEN INFORMED THAT THIS IS A PROBLEM SO FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY, I WON'T CALL YOU NAMES. THAT'S RIGHT, FOLKS. THERE WOULD BE NO SCATHING RETORTS OR TRUTHFUL JABS AIMED AT YOUR DIRECTION -- UNLESS YOU FUCK UP OR MAKE IT HARD FOR ME TO DO THIS OR YOUR LAST NAME HAPPENS TO BE STRIDER, THEN THAT'S YOUR OWN DAMN FAULT.
SO SIGN UP WHILE IT'S STILL HOT, FOLKS. SOME THINGS ARE NEGOTIABLE, SOME ARE NOT. NOT SURE? LET'S DISCUSS IT. PREPARE ME A POWERPOINT PRESENTATION.

P.S. IF YOU'RE GOING TO REPLY TO THIS WITH SOMETHING STUPID LIKE OOH MR. KARKAT PLEASE WASH YOUR MOUTH WITH SOAP, THEN KINDLY GTFO I DON'T GIVE A SHIT WHAT YOU THINK.
socialdarwinism: (wow rude)

[personal profile] socialdarwinism 2012-02-08 02:18 pm (UTC)(link)
Your crass language hardly bothers me, but it is highly unprofessional. I suggest if you wish to garner interest in yourself as a player, you might want to conduct yourself with some class.

That said, you want to win, do you?
socialdarwinism: (Brb knifing my uncle in the forehead)

[personal profile] socialdarwinism 2012-02-08 02:51 pm (UTC)(link)
Your low birth is hardly surprising, especially with your strange jargon, but it hardly prevents you from trying to overcome that and behave a little better when making public statements.

I hardly think you would be the one teaching me about combat, because I am highly experienced in it.
socialdarwinism: (yes I'm listening...)

[personal profile] socialdarwinism 2012-02-08 03:27 pm (UTC)(link)
[>Cultural sensitivity
Social Darnwinist
Nope.jpg.]

Fine. This argument is a waste of time. You'll get farther with respectable behavior, but it's not my problem. Your "culture" is also not my problem.

I imagine there would be a difference between monsters and intelligent opponents, but depending on circumstances your ability to keep your soldiers in line sounds like it might be acceptable.

As for my own experience, I am the former Chief General of the Imperial Army of the Holy Empire of Britannia.
socialdarwinism: (pic#1727366)

[personal profile] socialdarwinism 2012-02-09 12:11 pm (UTC)(link)
We've already gone into how you could earn their respect.

I suppose. It's not like this is a permanent deal, anyway.
socialdarwinism: (yes I'm listening...)

[personal profile] socialdarwinism 2012-02-09 02:05 pm (UTC)(link)
Cornelia li Britannia, 2nd Princess of the Holy Empire of Britannia.

Hopefully working with you will be worth it.
doesthewindything: (Default)

NOW WITH CORRECT COLOR CODE

[personal profile] doesthewindything 2012-02-08 05:03 pm (UTC)(link)
i'll team up with you karkat!
this whole game sounds pretty fun so i'm up for it.
let's win this!
doesthewindything: (Smile)

seriously that # is very important mang never forget it /headdesk

[personal profile] doesthewindything 2012-02-09 08:59 pm (UTC)(link)
well i think it's a hammer...
but not an overly large one?
it's easy to wield and it's strong so you should be able to knock some teeth out with it!
smupette: ({-really you're not threatening.)

[personal profile] smupette 2012-02-09 05:52 am (UTC)(link)
you really know how to attract a crowd
dont you

damn. i never would have guessed literally smashing your keys in would get you a couple weapons.


[If she wasn't a player, however. She wouldn't mind teaming up with loudmouth nooksucking troll here.]
straightupzorra: (shocked)

[personal profile] straightupzorra 2012-02-09 06:07 pm (UTC)(link)
Awful.
Mouthpussy.

You're a fucking idiot, I take back what I say about appreciating your balls.
straightupzorra: (no me gusta)

[personal profile] straightupzorra 2012-02-10 12:32 am (UTC)(link)
As you fucking should! But seriously, anatomy lesson, get one.
straightupzorra: (laughter)

[personal profile] straightupzorra 2012-02-10 12:55 am (UTC)(link)
Well if you knew anything about humans you would know the significance of the number 69, it could save your ass one day.
straightupzorra: (arms crossed)

[personal profile] straightupzorra 2012-02-10 01:09 am (UTC)(link)
More absurd Earth things that will prevent you from getting slapped in the face is more like it.
straightupzorra: (you deserved it)

[personal profile] straightupzorra 2012-02-09 06:05 pm (UTC)(link)
You know, even if you're being pathetic and asking for Weapons over the network, you've got some balls and I can appreciate that. And I know you're an alien so don't go taking that the wrong way, I have no interest in having sex with you.
straightupzorra: (what can ya do)

[personal profile] straightupzorra 2012-02-10 12:56 am (UTC)(link)
I'm saying you should just take them, you can find out what they are later, if they're strong then use them and if they're not then you're one Weapon closer to the win condition.
straightupzorra: (pondering)

[personal profile] straightupzorra 2012-02-10 01:12 am (UTC)(link)
You know, I think I've got you figured out. You're in the closet, aren't you? That's why you're so angry all the time.

[PERSONAL EXPERIENCE, WHAT?]
straightupzorra: (Default)

[personal profile] straightupzorra 2012-02-10 01:46 am (UTC)(link)
It's a human metaphor, it means are you hiding the fact you're gay?
straightupzorra: (laughter)

[personal profile] straightupzorra 2012-02-10 01:22 pm (UTC)(link)
Gay means you're a guy lusting after dicks, and you seem to be pretty phallus obsessed.
straightupzorra: (Default)

[personal profile] straightupzorra 2012-02-10 07:33 pm (UTC)(link)
I didn't hear any denial about it. Just because your species doesn't have a word for it doesn't mean that you can't be one. I have some pretty awesome gaydar and you're just giving off so many vibes. So who is the unlucky guy?
straightupzorra: (pondering)

[personal profile] straightupzorra 2012-02-12 08:51 pm (UTC)(link)
Dolorosa tried to explain quadrants to me once, they sound pretty stupid if you ask me. I'm going to throw being culturally sensitive out the window for a moment, even though I killed it long ago, and ask this. Is there really no difference between genders where you're from?