rakuen | Fourth Beat | My Apologies Dear For All My Mistakes

Entry tags:

Fourth Beat | My Apologies Dear For All My Mistakes

Characters: Dave Strider and Jade Harley
Format: Any/Either
This log is: Closed
Location: Outside of Fortitude; Wednesday after his match with Estonia/Sis
Summary: Dave just won Sis from Estonia. He's sore as hell, but feeling pretty good. And a good friend brings his cheer to his other friends right? And he knows Jade is still getting used to everything, so maybe she'll want that cheer too. Things don't go as planned.
Warnings: Sad children ahoy, TEENAGE DRAMA, Whatever else applies to friends fighting

Dave didn't realize how hard it would be to beat Estonia, and if he weren't so goddamn determined to win Sis off her, he probably would have lost otherwise. He's feeling pretty beat up (dear god she packed a punch) and he knows he's going to be sore as hell in the morning, if not now. But, he did win and he felt pretty good about it. He hoped Sis was proud of him for actually winning.

But right now, he had promised Jade (what's her name???) that he'd meet up with her. She wanted to talk. Hopefully she wasn't getting picked on or anything. He'd have to find the bitch who was messing with her then. Maybe she'd feel better if he told her she could meet Sis finally. And that maybe he wanted to spread whatever good feelings he had at the moment with her. If it makes her smile, then he'll feel pretty good for the rest of the day, despite his body being against him at the moment.

She probably didn't know what he looked like so he'll wave at her once he sees her.

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That Jade doesn't wave back is probably an indication of her current distaste for Dave Strider. Then again, it might be because she doesn't recognize him, right? Or maybe it's a little bit of both - she's frowning, arms crossed in front of her chest. Her hands have no bandages on them again, probably the result of needing to shower. Or maybe, she's taken them off herself and not bothered with putting new ones on; the red scratches across the back of her palms are an indication that she's been scratching herself again.

"We need to talk."

Her voice is raspy; there's been a lot of screaming in the past day or so, a lot of crying and nightmares and refusing to come out of the boom closet she's found and made a home of. When she looks at him there are scratches from her eyes to her chin, though she's not really in the mood to explain.

"But you can't talk, can you? So maybe you should just listen. And nod."

He's already slightly alarmed at the state Jade is in. What's been going on the past few days? Why hadn't he talked to her sooner about it. But her voice. Her appearance. Something was wrong, and he knew. He just didn't know what was wrong and why.

And maybe this isn't so much two friends getting together anymore. Whenever someone says 'we need to talk' it always ended badly. He knows better then to think it's something light, especially with the state Jade was in.

Did he do something? Was it something he's done before suddenly being a problem? He had no idea what it was. Dave just nodded, feeling that terrible, sinking feeling settling in already. He shoved his hands in his pockets, one of his hands tightly holding onto his PDA. In case he had to say something quickly, although it didn't sound like he was going to get a chance to say anything. Dave can listen. That's okay with him.

"So I've been thinking a lot about dying, because I'm dead."

She puts it bluntly, because she's never been scared of dying. Even at the end, it wasn't death she was afraid of; everyone's time comes eventually, and Jade knew hers would be earlier than most. But she's trying to make him understand - Vriska suggested it, so she's trying her damnest.

"And I don't think it's really fair that you got to keep living when I died. I mean, you were technically still alive when I was I guess, but Vriska told me why you didn't save me. And--" she stops, finally looking up from her fascinating shoes to glare at him.

"And she told me that you didn't want to save me because I wasn't interesting enough. Is that true?" She doesn't give him time to answer before she continues. "Because you were spending time with somebody else and having lots of fun with them instead. And all those messages you sent going Jade I'll save you I promise, just hang on were lies! You thought I was stupid and boring, so you let me die!"

It's probably the most animated Jade has been since her breakdown during the start of the round, although it's different now. Angrier and a little feral, full of rage and jealousy.

Dave already doesn't like the start of this. Because he doesn't like Jade being dead. He likes her very much alive, and...

...what? She was glaring at him and...did she want him dead? Is this what this was about? Dave Strider should be dead? His expression doesn't change, but he knew if she could see his eyes, they would definitely betray him.

But. What type of fucking lies is Vriska feeding Jade? Not interesting enough? Goddamn, that's like saying John doesn't love Nic Cage. Jade was one of his only friends and if he could have saved her. He would. Whenever a Doomed Timeline existed, he hated himself for fucking that up, always hoping that the only one who died would be him and knowing that wasn't the case.

But she was so angry...and he couldn't say her anger wasn't justified. He did let her die in the end. He didn't save her in that timeline. She was doomed and he couldn't do anything about it. But he...he had to let her know that it wasn't true. That he wasn't just having fun and ignoring her. That letting her die wasn't because of negligence. He pulls out his PDA, dear god he hopes he can even get a chance to type something to her, and his fingers are shaky as he types. And everything is just so damn colder suddenly and his body feels numb. Suddenly the soreness of his body was a minor inconvenience to the feeling in the pit of his stomach.

"No!"

And she slaps at Dave's hand with the intent of knocking the PDA to the ground. "I'm not finished, so don't try to make excuses! You went off and got to hang out with Rose and you even hugged her and you kissed her too, I saw you! And you didn't care about me, you didn't try to find me, you were just like oh she's dead because I saw that too! And I wasn't, I waited for you, and I even tried to go to Derse but the White Queen wouldn't let me because she said it was too dangerous!"

And she shoves him; she's weak, but he's tired and she hopes that he falls over, because she wants to be taller than him for just a minute.

And he drops the PDA because that terrible headache is back as soon as she slaps him, and he's a little more then shocked that Jade even slapped him. He can ignore the headache because the sting in his hand hurt so much more then the throbbing in his skull. And it isn't the actual physical pain but the fact that Jade slapped him. And she knew he couldn't talk and maybe that didn't matter. Maybe he wasn't ever supposed to talk.

But he was confused. He never came in contact with Rose. He doesn't remember actually meeting Rose in person (he no longer has those memories). Dave wasn't sure what was true and what was being said out of anger, but it all hurt.

And he just stumbles backwards and he just falls back because, he's just so incredibly shocked that Jade is willing to ignore the penalties to try and hurt him. And really, just the fact she was trying to made it hurt so much more.

She's crying now because fuck, her head hurts -- and she wipes away the tears and mumbles "shit" when they get into her fresh cuts. But she's not done, and now that she has him on the ground she's going to finish what she came to do.

"Why did you leave me?" Okay, crying is a thing that's happening. But these are angry tears, fueled by hatred. "Did you think it would be funny, to leave me there alone? You said you'd come back for me, but you knew you couldn't get back to earth and that wasn't a very funny lie, Dave! That wasn't funny at all because I believed in you! And I waited and I waited and finally I realized that my dreams were lying to me, because you kept saying you had to go back and you didn't!"

And she can't stand up any more. The headache is too much combined with the sting of her tears in her wounds, so she sits down and curls into a ball.

"I believed in you, Dave! And you didn't come! I think you deserved to die instead!"

He didn't move for a minute. All the words were swimming through his mind and he was trying to make sense of everything. He remembered vaguely of everything from his future self. He couldn't remember the important parts, which he guessed meant he was missing those memories completely. And he cussed inwardly because he was pretty sure whatever he was forgetting was extremely important.

And he should answer her. Answer all these questions she keeps throwing at him. Or at least explain. Because he did try didn't he? He was sure he did. Jade was important to him.

Dave shakily moves to pick up his PDA, but he just completely stops. And everything is numb because Jade wanted him to die. And that didn't mean much, because he has died plenty of times. It was more common then she probably realized. But maybe she meant completely. Like, maybe he should just die and never come back. And...he's surprised he hasn't started crying yet. Because he really wants to, but maybe he can't bring himself to cry because he's always been told to be stronger then that right? Dave can't type though. His body won't work with his mind, which really was a mess too. He was completely and utterly speechless.

"You should die, because I didn't want to. Because you said I wasn't going to."

Her voice is soft, but in this awkward silence it seems way too loud, and she speaks up when she continues. It's hurting to get the words out, like removing splinters from somewhere inside of her, things she's kept secret for a long time. And some part of her wonders why she's doing this to him, her best friend. But when she looks up and doesn't instantly recognize his face, pain-stricken as it is, she decides she's talking to a stranger. Somehow, that makes it easier to bear, this pain inside her chest.

So she continues.

"And then there was the beginning of the round and I thought-- maybe, when they called your name, you'd try to come find me. But then you didn't, and I couldn't remember what you looked like, so I thought I was in a room of strangers. So I curled up in a corner, and I cried and--" She sniffles before continuing. "You vowed with John but you didn't want to find me. And you-- you fought for your sister who isn't even a real person so that doesn't even make sense but you-- you wouldn't fight for me. Or come and find me. And I wanted you to. I was waiting for you then, too."

Each word was a terrible force and it was beating down on him hard. And he could feel every crack and chip it was making on him and this hurt more then any fight he got into with some no named bully. This hurt more then every terrible word thrown at him. Because those people didn't matter. Their opinions weren't something he ever had to take into account because they were just people trying to hurt him.

But Jade was different. This was someone that he called a best friend. Someone that he let into his life because they were someone he wanted in his life. And now she wanted him gone. Dead.

And what the fuck did that even mean? Sis was pretty fucking real. She raised him. Why was he being told she wasn't real? Maybe his memories were fucked up too. Maybe he was forgetting shit and replacing others and now he isn't so sure what's true and what's not.

He wanted to vow with Jade. He just...he didn't get to her quick enough. But he thought she was fine with Marisa. She seemed fine with it despite everything. They couldn't touch or hold hands, but they could still hang out and be friends. And he only vowed with John because John was nearby at the time and he didn't want someone to get to John before him what happened with Jade. And...he didn't mean to not vow with Jade. That if he had gotten to her in time, he would have, but he just didn't. And Dave just felt so terrible because he fucked up so much and he didn't even realize it.

There's a long silence before she speaks again, interspersed with the soft sound of nails tearing at skin, Jade's fingernails scraping at her cheeks. She's trying to calm down -- because she can't just sit here, and as badly as she wants to forgive him for everything, for leaving her behind again and again, she can still hear Vriska's words in her mind. He cares more about art drawn by a blind tree girl than he does about you.

"If you think this Terezi girl is more interesting than me, you should know that every human died on the earth so we could play that stupid game together. I checked, when I walked around in the desert. And--" she chokes back some tears. Though it seems really obvious at this point that he doesn't care.

"And I don't want to talk to you again. Ever ever ever ever." She uncurls and crawls over to him, standing on her knees to stare down at him. "Answer me and tell me you won't talk to me. Just--" she sniffles, "just do it, okay? You usually have so much to say and now you don't have anything! Why are you so quiet, huh cool kid?"

He knows everyone was dead. Mostly everyone. And in some timelines, he's the only one left. In some timelines the four of them are dying. And god, there were so many timelines where some of them were dead and others weren't and the amount of Doomed timelines were unimaginable because every little thing they said or do could very well create a new one. He didn't need to be told what their stupid session created. And the worst part was, it wasn't even necessarily their game that caused it. The world could have been fucked even if they didn't play. He could just never guess which one it was and sometimes he believe one or the other because sometimes he couldn't decide.

But he didn't care about that at the moment. Because Jade said the one thing he was terrified of ever hearing her say. Something that he's heard in his dreams, that made the ones of him dying all that much better because what would he have if his friends didn't want him around anymore? He'd just be that stupid mute kid with the creepy red eyes who only had his Sis and no one else. And for awhile, it was like that and he didn't want it to be like that anymore.

And god damn it, he's trying to not cry so hard but his whole body was shaking (and not from the cold), and he has to back up a bit because Jade didn't want him near her anymore. And he's gritting his teeth and trying to make it all stop, but he's crying anyways because it's impossible not to cry. Not when she's hurting herself because he was a fuck up. And he just looked so pitiful crying, tears streaming down behind his shades and he made no noises, because he can't really make noises, so he's just shaking and crying and he just finally nods. If Jade didn't want him to talk to her anymore, he wouldn't talk to her anymore. Even if he really wanted to talk to her because she was his friend, except they weren't friends anymore. Because he was pretty sure Jade hated him and probably didn't say it because Jade was too nice for that shit. So really, she's just saying it in another way, but he's just pretty sure she fucking hates him because he let her fucking die and didn't do anything to prevent it. And maybe because he can't save anyone because, he isn't a hero. He never was. Dave was just some kid fucking up timelines left and right trying to make things right.

Vriska said that it would be good. And Jade had assumed that maybe it would make her feel better, to berate him, to finally tell Dave what she had been feeling far too long. That maybe she would feel triumphant, put some part of her past behind her, and walk back into the school feeling like a champion.

What she didn't expect is that it's made her feel like shit.

Now he's crying in front of her -- and she didn't even think that Dave could cry, not really. She always thought that he was too cool for crying, for things that normal people did when they were alone with their pain and their fears. But the tears are sliding down his cheeks and he's shaking and oh god, she did this to him. She made him cry and that's the worst thing she could have possibly done to a cool kid like Dave Strider. Even if he's just pretending at being cool the way Bro thought of it, she's always thought he was sincerely a cool guy. And now he's crying practically at her feet, and this is her fault. Jade thought that pushing him away from her would make her feel safer -- he couldn't run away from her or leave her behind again if he was already gone -- but now she feels like there's a hole in her stomach. She's a bad friend. No, not even that; he probably doesn't even consider her to be a friend any more.

Originally her intent was to walk out of there. Maybe even trying to gloat a little. But all she can manage is a strangled sob before she curls up into a ball at his feet and lets herself cry.

Dave shakily picks up his PDA. Explain everything and for a moment he does start. The sounds of keys being pressed, but he just stops. Because he remembers he isn't supposed to talk to her anymore. And he just promised that he wouldn't talk to her again. And oh god it's only been a couple of minutes, but he doesn't think he can do that. Not talk to Jade anymore. He wants to talk to her. To hold her hand as they go to the cafeteria. To listen to her laugh or cry or just talk about what's happened.

He can't do that anymore.

So he just sits there, a sobbing mess and watching her cry. And god, Dave felt like so much shit right now. He did this to her and it's biting him back even harder then whatever crap that she probably went through to get to this point.

And...he's just going to get to his feet. There's nothing else to say, because she wants this right? And he has to respect that, because she's still his friend. At least, he'll always consider her his friend even if she might not think the same. He should tell someone to get Jade at least since Dave couldn't even touch her much less talk to her. But he'd have to explain what happened, and this was all too complicated and his head hurt, his body ached, and his heart was probably in pieces at this point.

He just had no idea what to do.

She watches him walk away and the first thought that she has is why is he leaving? The second thought is a lot less nebulous and more firm -- come back. She reaches out for him, trying to find the words inside of her but they're not coming out like she wants them to.

"No, n-no--" and she coughs, hacking and retching because this is way too much for her body to handle right now. "Come back please come back!"

But by now he's probably too far away to even hear her tiny voice, so she just screams. Hard and at the top of her lungs, she screams until her voice is hoarse and she has to cough again. Jade digs her hands into the ground and screams and cries until she can't any more. If he can hear her, she hopes he doesn't ignore her. But he probably will, because that's just what she wanted. That probably hurts more than anything.

He can hear her, loud and clear. And he wish he couldn't, because each scream goes straight to his heart and it hurts so much to hear her. To know that he's the reason she's screaming and crying like that. And he wants to desperately turn around and try and fix things, but he's supposed to follow her wishes and not, right? That's what good friends do, listen to them and do what they want them to. But what if doing what they said to do cause more grief? He doesn't know which is better so he just keeps walking, rubbing his eyes and letting out soundless sobs.

He's just mouthing out 'I'm sorry' as he walks. She'll never hear it because he can't even hear it himself. The voice in his mind doesn't count.

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Fourth Beat | My Apologies Dear For All My Mistakes

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