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Entry tags:

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Characters: Arthur and Merlin
Format: Prose
This log is: closed
Location: Forward dated to friday evening,
Summary: Arthur confronts Merlin about the magic
Warnings: ...anger and angst?

Arthur gave himself time to think about it, or maybe it would be more accurate to say that he gave himself time to stew over the fact that Merlin had magic. Merlin, his manservant, his incompetent manservant who can hardly do anything right. He's useless. The number of times that Arthur has had to save Merlin from something or other (or himself) was ridiculous. Has Merlin used his magic to save Arthur? He spends the week going over everything they have ever been through together, all the battles and the mythical creatures they've fought. Everything changed after Merlin arrived in Camelot.

That didn't do anything to quell his anger and betrayal. The thought that magic was evil had been pounded into him since birth, he had seen the evils of magic first hand. How many times has he almost died by magical means? (He didn't want to consider how many times Merlin could have saved him with magical means.) Arthur knows that he needs to confront Merlin, and he needed to do it right now before he found a reason to put it off.

Determinedly, Arthur gets up and leaves the room. Leaves Conquest campus. And he heads straight across the island to Fortitude campus. He knows that technically he's not allowed in, but he's a king dammit and he can go where he wants. He marches himself right to Merlin's room, not even bothering to knock or follow any formalities.

Merlin is on the bed and he looks horrible. Arthur doesn't let himself feel bad, instead he glares at him.

"You. Get up. You're coming with me."

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Merlin had spent most the week working himself up into a complete state of inconsolable fear. It didn't help that the person he was sharing a room with was a talking horse. Therefore magic, the one thing Merlin was trying not to think about.

It probably wouldn't have been as bad if he had his magic. But he didn't and he felt so empty. And to think Arthur had still found out, four years of careful hiding and then when his magic had been taken away from him Arthur had found out.

And Merlin was going to die. Arthur wasn't Uther but he still hated magic, his father had been killed by magic. He wasn't supposed to know, not yet. Not until he had changed his mind and learned magic could be used for good.

When Arthur burst into his room Merlin wasn't even surprised, he just wondered why he hadn't come sooner. He was curled up on his bed trying to work out a way to make this better, because there was always a way. He had spent four years getting out of impossible situations. But he had always had his magic... and... his mentor... and the dragon.

He didn't even argue, just stood up and followed him.

He was thankful that Merlin didn't put up a fight, magical or otherwise, as that would just make everything so much more difficult. Not that any of this was easy. He hadn't had an internal struggle like this since, well, okay it hadn't been that long, since he exiled Guinevere for her relationship with Lancelot.

Arthur didn't understand why the people closest to him kept betraying him. Morgana, Gwen, Merlin, all of them, one betrayal after another. Did he seem like the type of person who it was fun to betray? Did he have any friends? Could he trust anyone?

Silently he leads Merlin out of Fortitude and into the woods, he only looks behind him to make sure that Merlin is keeping up. Only when they're deep in the woods does he stop. Arthur takes a deep breathe and waits a moment before turning around.

He doesn't say anything, just stares and waits for Merlin to break.

It was a long walk, or at least it felt like it. A long walk that seemed to stretch on forever, Merlin was trembling and he wished Arthur would just hurry up and get this over with.

He stood staring at the ground, feeling Arthur's gaze on him, it didn't take him long to break. "I'm sorry..."

Really what more was there to say. Well... there was a lot more... Damn it he was not going to cry, not in front of the King.

But his tears didn't listen.

Sorry? That's all that Merlin had to say for himself? He's sorry. Why? Of all things to say why that? Why couldn't he instead reveal some master plan to kill him and take over Camelot. That would be easier! And it tears him up inside to know that Merlin being an evil lying asshole would be so much easier to take than this. This being the Merlin he knew, who looked so sorry and broken and scared. Scared of him.

He didn't expect Merlin to cry, he expected... he didn't know what he expected but it definitely wasn't tears. For a moment he could feel himself soften, he hates when people cry, he doesn't know what to do when they do. Even if he could touch Merlin without penalty... would he? Probably not. He could still feel all the rage inside him.

"Sorry!" he yells, his voice is harsh, "That's all you have to say?!"

The silence was so bad that Merlin was almost relieved by the yelling. Except not because it was Arthur yelling at him for having magic... Arthur knew about his magic...

"Yes... I mean no... I mean..." He looked away trying to hide his tears, "What do you want me to say?" He couldn't even think never mind find words to explain.

Arthur sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose, trying to push away all the tension he feels. This whole situation was horrible and, to be honest, he wanted nothing to do with it. He just wanted it to be over, to go back in time and not know about this secret that could (will? could?) tear them apart.

The horrible part was, no matter how betrayed he felt, this was still Merlin. Merlin who was fiercely and stupidly loyal to him, Merlin who he spent four years with, who could have killed him at any time if he so wished. But he didn't do anything. Maybe that's what was tearing him apart.

He pushed aside those thoughts, "Okay, sorcerer," he spits that word out as if it's poisonous, "You will answer my questions. When did you learn magic? Why did you choose to come to Camelot and how come you have yet to do it any harm? What are you planning?"

His voice changed a bit with the next questions, the previous ones were for the good of the kingdom but the next were much more personal, causing his steel tone to break a bit with emotion, "Why did you get close to me and how come you haven't killed me yet?"

Why was this happening, how could this have happened. Merlin couldn't look at Arthur, he knew how furious Arthur was. He hadn't seen him this angry since Gwen betrayed him and even then...

Merlin had watched him lose a fight... Arthur had never lost, not in the four years Merlin had seen him. Arthur never lost, even against would be assassins, immortal armies and dragons. Merlin had a feeling the defeat was his fault as well.

He wished Arthur would just... get this over with, whatever he was going to do because Merlin couldn't deal with this. He wasn't ready for this... His breath caught when Arthur spoke, this just... couldn't be happening. Everything he had done for the last four years had been for Arthur... he had always known that if Arthur found out his secret it would be bad but knowing that and having it being a reality. Having a real angry monarch demanding answers...

"I... I didn't learn it..." Merlin's voice was choked with tears, "I was just... born like this..."

It was almost funny how comparable this situation was to Gwen's betrayal. Funny because he knew that if they were back in Camelot, he wouldn't kill Merlin, juts send him away and threaten him if he ever came back. He could send him back to Ealdor to be with his mother (but would he really want to send a sorcerer to Cendred, no matter how loyal Merlin was to Arthur? But it wasn't as if sorcerers were welcome in Camelot). Now that he thinks about it, it must have been Merlin, not Will, who saved Ealdor. He should have known. But the more Arthur thinks about sending Merlin away, the more he knows that Merlin wouldn't leave. The man can't listen to an order to save his life, literally, eqpecially if it had to do with leaving Arthur. His stupid, stupid loyalty was making this so much harder.

But he was still wary, he could obviously see that Merlin was a crying mess, anyone with eyes could see that. Was it true remorse or was it a trick? Why wouldn't he just answer all his questions? Arthur really just needed to know.

"Merlin, if that is truly your name," it was a dumb thing to say, of course his name was Merlin, he met his mother for gods sake, but it came out anyway, "answer all my questions and then I will address your... claim. I will wait until you have answered everything and said anything else you feel needs to be said."

It was the least he could do, right? But who was born with magic? Was that even possible? He couldn't imagine a child being born evil.

Merlin tried to stifle his sobs, tried to think of what questions had been asked and order them in his brain. He had no idea if the name the King had just called him was his real name or not, which made this even worse. "I... I didn't learn magic like I said..." He just had it, the last four years had taught him it was a gift, but now he thought it was almost a curse. "I came to Camelot... I didn't lie to you," his tears were still thick.

"I came because there was no place for me in Ealdor and... the court physician is... my mothers friend." This was... He couldn't even remember what he was supposed to be answering. "I'm not planning anything, I didn't try to get near you at all it just... happened..."

He searched for what other questions had been asked, hitting the last one, his breath catching again. "Kill you? Why would I kill you..." The idea was so foreign, so strange... Arthur was the one who was going to kill him for this secret of his, Merlin couldn't even contemplate hurting Arthur.

Arthur reached a point where he didn't know what was hurting him more, Merlin's betrayal or his sobs. The open display of sorrow and regret and fear wasn't something that could be faked, especially by Merlin, and he knew that. But in the back of his mind he reminded himself that Merlin did have him fooled for four years. But still it was Merlin for crying out loud. His mind bounced back and forth so many times. Truthfully, Arthur didn't know where he stood on the matter or how he felt about it at all.

As promised Arthur listened to everything he had to say and... he found that he believed what he said. There was just something about Merlin that was believable, it was his seeming openness. The idea that Merlin would try and kill him was so preposterous he wondered how that question even came to his mind.

Again and again his mind kept coming back to the same thing: This was Merlin. But even though it was Merlin, he let the silence be extended while he figured out what to say next.

"I believe you mean no harm to myself or Camelot," he says in a voice that was meant to be kingly but came out more comforting than he meant to, even with the hint of sternness behind it.

It took a few moments for Merlin to even register what Arthur was saying. A few more for him to take gulps of air and calm himself enough to speak. "You don't?" He sounded shocked and he was shocked, he hadn't expected to even be allowed to speak, never mind be listened to.

"You believe me?" His voice was almost desperate but he didn't care, this was too important. He couldn't even begin to imagine being sent away from Arthur; he knew he was capable of it, it was what he had done to... the queen.

Merlin didn't want that fate, not that the King could send him away here, but later... Merlin thought death would be kinder, the Dragon would probably be pleased. He tried to dry his eyes, "You... you wont send me away?"

Merlin was so outwardly relieved that for a moment Arthur couldn't believe that Merlin could have any secrets, let along one that big and left undiscovered for so long, that Arthur began to question himself. Was he so blind that he couldn't see the obvious? Or maybe it was some type of enchantment that made others look away at the right moment (and he had been knocked out more often than in the past...). But with a secret that big and one he has had to keep his whole life, he must have gotten good at hiding.

He lets out the familiar sigh of Merlin, you idiot, and says, "Merlin, you cannot tell a lie to save your life, even if you are perhaps capable of keeping a secret. You swore your life to me after the incident with the Questing Beast, and I believe you to hold true to your words. Do I fully trust you at present? No. But trust can be regained. I do need to think more on the matter though, so do not think you are clear just yet."

He lets out a laugh, maybe the first true sign that Arthur could be okay with this someday, "Even if I did send you away, you would not go. You never listen to me, Merlin. If I tell you to go you follow after me from a distance before I need to save your hide, and if I tell you to come you prattle on the entire time. I'm not quite sure why I keep you around." and it was so easy to talk to him like this, like nothing has changed, and that was a bit scary.

"I have a few more inquiries to make," he says after a pause, taking the time to harden himself up again, "Have you ever cast an enchantment on me? Why did you not tell me yourself, after all we have been through you still did not trust me?" He knew that question was unfair, with the law in Camelot and Arthur who had told Merlin on multiple occasions that he thought magic was evil, but he was still hurt that Merlin didn't trust him.

"Tell me about what you can do."

At his laugh Merlin felt a sharp stab of relief. Maybe, just maybe this would be okay, it wasn't the end of the world and though Merlin was surprised he was still alive... But the fact that Arthur hadn't killed him or tried to exile him meant that things would be okay. Trust was broken but...

The question took him by surprised, of course he had used general magic on Arthur many times, mostly to save his life; knocking him out at the right moment but enchantments.

"Only once." He told him and then sighed. "I wanted to... many times. But..." There had never been a good time, the closest he had been to telling him was right before he ended up convincing him that magic truly was evil...

"There was never a good time."

Arthur's eyes lower hearing that Merlin had cast an enchantment on him. He should have prepared for Merlin to say yes, expected it even. In four years and all that they have been through he must have helped with something.

That's when the thought really crosses his mind. Arthur knows that he is an accomplished fighter, and was long before Merlin had arrived at Camelot, but had Merlin been helping him?

"Why did you enchant me? How many of our battles have you," he pauses, "assisted me in?"

He'll leave the issues of Merlin not telling him for later, not having a good time to tell him was believable.

"It..." Merlin took another shakey breath, but his tears were slowing now the relief was finally breaking through. "When you wouldn't leave camelot, that time... before you came back to yourself at Tristan's caravan... You wouldn't leave..."

As for the second question... the answer was more than Merlin could actually remember. A sword missing a crucial hit, a tree branch or occasional barrel hitting an enemy at just the right moment...

"Only when I had to... only when your life was in danger..." Which was a lot, the King attracted trouble.

When the tears slow down Arthur is filled with relief again, a not-crying person is much easier to deal with and interrogate than a crying person. Maybe that would make him a bad leader, not being able to do his best when someone he cared about was crying, or maybe it would make him better. He didn't know.

What he did know is that he doesn't recall anything about the incident Merlin he talking about. He squints, thinking back in why Merlin would want him out of Camelot, "I don't recall that incident, tell me about it." It was unnerving that he didn't feel the familiar headache from when he was trying to remember the other kingdoms.

He clenches his jaw, "And in a tournament? Have you ever helped me win," he pauses for a moment, "besides with Valiant."

He didn't remember? Was it like how Merlin couldn't remember anyone's names and if so was there any point in telling him when he would just forget again. But he had been asked and though Merlin usually ignored any orders he thought were unnecessary or stupid, he didn't want to push Arthur.

"The last time Morgana attacked Camelot, you were so angry about Agravaine you wouldn't leave, and you had to leave because Camelot was lost and the only way to get it back was to leave and regroup."

And tournaments, "Not purposefully to help you win, but sometimes you did win because of what I did."

He squints trying to bring up that particular memory, but nothing comes to him. And it's a different kind of memory loss, one that he doesn't understand. But Arthur isn't going to say that he doesn't remember, instead he just nods once and leaves it at that.

"Are any of my victories my own?"

"Of course they are." It was so typically Arthur that this was the thing he was most concerned about. "I... helped sometimes," most times... "But the victories were all your own, it's like having an army, it doesn't mean a commanders victory isn't theirs anymore just because they had help." And only stubborn, clot pole kings would think things like that.

Hey, these are important questions, okay. Arthur wants to do things on his own, build a reputation on his own merits, not on the name of his father or the skill of his knights, and certainly not with the assistance of his incompetent manservant.

"If I cannot win a battle or a duel without assistance from another, then I am not suitable to be king," he says after a long pause. He looks Merlin in the eye, challenging him to tell him that no, he is not suitable, and this has all been some horrible mistake and Merlin was going to take his crown. Not that he expected Merlin to say that.

"Believe me," Merlin looked at him seriously, "You are suitable to be King, even the greatest Kings need help sometimes." And Arthur was a great king, the greatest. Would become even more great Merlin had no doubt of it.

"There is no shame in needing help sometimes, and all the important victories were your own, as is your strength and your courage. That's not something magic can bestow on you, that's just you, part of you and no one can deny that you have strength and courage."

Arthur didn't know what to believe anymore. He thought he knew Merlin, but he also thought he knew Gwen and Morgana as well. How did he know that he even knew himself anymore and what he was capable. The doubt for himself, luckily, didn't last very long. He was skilled long before Merlin ever showed up in Camelot (trained to kill since birth, remember?).

"While a King who cannot protect his people is no king at all, a king who cannot accept help from his people, the people who are supposed to serve him, is also no king," he says in agreement. He wants to make a comment about how sometimes Merlin says very wise things and it completely throws him off, but no reason to give him a big head.

Well that was good, at least he was listening to him still... Merlin had half expected him to walk off, but... This was better than he had ever expected. "Exactly."

Arthur would never admit it, but Merlin was often good council, his genuineness came off as wise and insightful. It wasn't something that Arthur could always ignore, even if he wanted to, and no matter how many times Merlin proved himself to be wise, Arthur was always taken aback.

"So your... magic," he says carefully, "You were born with it? I did not know that to be possible."

Merlin nodded, "I was... I know it shouldn't be possible but I just was, I've been able to move objects with my mind before I could walk or talk." He looked down, because he no longer had his magic and it was painful. He felt so empty, something that was a necessary part of him had been removed.

He frowns, "But babies aren't evil," he says without thinking. It was difficult to wrap his head around, that not all people with magic are evil. It should be so much simpler. Merlin isn't evil. Merlin has magic. Magic isn't evil. At least, not all the time.

At Arthur's words Merlin stopped, looking down again, the confidence he had been slowly gaining since Arthur declared he wasn't going to send him away shattering.

"No... they are not..."

After a lifetime of being told by his father that magic was evil, after the amount of sorcerers who had tried to kill him. After learning the truth about his mother... After Morgana...

Convincing Arthur that magic, and Merlin, weren't evil was going to be a long road.

Arthur chewed over his thoughts, he knew that babies weren't evil and he knew that Merlin wasn't evil, but he had also been told that all magic is evil. But what are the chances that magic corrupts everyone? Is it not the same as a sword where it all depends on the holder? He really didn't know anymore.

He speaks carefully in his most diplomatic voice after a few moments, "I am not pleased that you kept this from me, but I have come to understand why you would do such. I have not proved myself to be someone worthy of this knowledge because of the stance I held on magic. It is unfortunate I had to find out the way I did, but fortunate because if this secret were to have gone on much longer, my reaction may have been different. I cannot say that at this moment I fully accept or understand the situation, but you're still Merlin."

You're still his incompetent manservant and stupidly loyal and is occasionally very wise. Arthur waits to catch his eye.

"You are still my friend, even if things are different."

Merlin looked up again when he spoke, really there had been many many times that he had wanted to tell Arthur. But it had never been possible and Merlin felt guilty about that.

He met Arthur's eye after a pause where his memory reset once more and gave a tiny smile.

Arthur returns the smile but just barely before looking away.

"I have other things to attend to," he lies, "You may go."

Merlin nodded, for once in his life he didn't argue, knowing that the king had lots to think away.

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