rakuen | 10 || Log || Don't Suppress the Memories

Entry tags:

10 || Log || Don't Suppress the Memories

Characters: Alex and Becca
Format: Prose
This log is: closed
Location: Becca's room
Summary: Alex unlocks some painful memories
Warnings: Triggers for a slew of things.

He just finished his second battle with Dirk, and even though he lost, he decided it was still a good time to go with Becca to get him a memory charm. He was hoping to get back how to tie his shoes, or the numeral 9, but with all the memories that his mind hid from him, it was impossible to tell if there were any of his more painful memories hidden from him by Rakuen. He didn't want to be in his room where the roommate he never spoke with might walk in on him in distress. At least in Becca's room he was only with the person he cared for the most here.

He sits on her bed, charm in hand. He smiles at her and gives her a quick kiss on the cheek, looping his arm around hers as he gets ready to clip on the charm, "I-it feels like R-Russian Roulette. R-ready?"

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"No kidding," she murmured, but nonetheless she held him supportively, ready to be there for him and sit with him no matter how wild of a ride his memories took him on. "Whatever happens, I'm here. I'm here and I love you," she promised.

Alex clips it onto the charm bracelet he wore on his left wrist. As soon as it closed he made a small whimper. He pulls his arm out from hers, pushing her away and scrambling across the room.

Frantically he began to mumble in German, his voice clearly cracking as he began to cry. He had the memories of those torturous nights all along, but there had been somewhat of a dulled quality to them- like a half-remembered nightmare. With the memory of the fear returned, some of those memories reburied themselves, but the ones he had still burned with a new flame.

Alex suddenly got up again, running to the bathroom and only barely getting there in enough time to begin to throw up. He grips the bowl tightly, as if it were the only thing keeping him from falling in.

Becca squeaked in surprise, but when he was in such a hurry to run off, she let him go. She drew her knees to her chest as she sat on the bed, waiting for him to finish. It broke her heart to sit back and do nothing, but right now it looked like that was the best possible action she could take.

Alex won't be leaving her bathroom for a while, emptying his stomach and then whatever acid was left in there. He was left sobbing and shaking over the toilet, not even bothering to flush it.

Eventually, as it became obvious that he wasn't coming out soon, Becca got up and slipped into the bathroom. She knelt down beside him, and slowly reached out to touch his arm. "A-alex?"

Alex didn't move until he could feel the heat of her skin over hers. He knocked her hand away, not even realizing his own volume, "DON'T TOUCH ME!" He hugs himself, shaking as he breathlessly adds, "B-b-but d-don't l-l-leave m-me, p-please..." He's grabbing his arms with such force that he is starting to draw blood from his arms.

"I-I'm s-sorry... s-so, s-s-so s-sorry." He shakes his head, still not able to get more than that out, aside from something in German.

She gasped in fear when he yelled at her and pushed her away so violently. She was ready to leave right then and there, but when he asked her to stay she froze. She settled on the ground again, shifting to draw her knees up to hold in her arms, just for some semblance of comfort. "Alex, you're hurting yourself...please let go... I can give you something else to hold," she offered quietly, eyes wide with fear.

"You've got nothing to be sorry about...it's a bad memory, you'll be fine... It's just a memory, it's over, you're gonna be okay..."

Alex looks at the blood almost absently, but apparently that was a bad idea; He grabbed the toilet again, heaving, but almost nothing came up this time except a dribble of acid. He closes his eyes and rests his head on the toilet. Tears still rolled from his eyes as he breathed heavily.

"N-no, I-I... I sh-shouldn't've... I-I just... I-I p-proved them a-all right." He grabs the rim of the toilet hard enough to whiten his knuckles. He sits up to heave again, but finds that there is nothing left but the reflex. He finally pulls back and leans against the wall behind him, not even realizing as he scratches at his forearms over scars from the past when there was no one there to stop him. He rocks a bit, letting his head bounce against the back wall as if he was trying to punish himself.

Watching this is...patently terrifying. Becca whimpers softly, trying to ignore how desperately useless she feels. She pants a bit, pressing her eyes shut as if that would somehow stop him from hurting. Or at least stop him from hurting himself. "Alex stop...Alex, please just stop... What are you talking about? There's nothing wrong. It's just a bad memory..."

Alex pulls himself back against the wall, grabbing onto his shirt and trying to calm himself. He keeps heaving as he tries desperately, for Becca's sake to regain control, but it's not easy with a panic attack to regain control.

He shakes his head, whining, "I-it's n-not just a m-memory, B-Becca!" He took another deep breath, looking to her with red and worn eyes. "B-Becca, I-I... w-with you, I h-had s-s-s...." He shakes his head, covering his ears, "Y-You're t-too g-good for that! I-I just p-proved them r-right!"

She opened her eyes to look at him when he said it was more than a memory, desperately concerned. As he continued, though, her eyes widened and she could feel a sick twisting in her gut. Tears welled in her eyes, and she shook her head insistently. "No, no no no no no, no, Alex, it's not like that... Don't say things like that, that's not how it was at all..."

Alex watched the floor intently, "I-I'm r-really j-just a f-filthy whore. H-he was right. A-as soon a-as I s-stopped being terrified by it, look wh-what I did!" He buries his face in his hands and begins to cry again, "I-I'm just d-disgusting."

It took everything she had to not start openly sobbing. "Alex no... No, it's not like that... W-what we have is very special, doing that was because we love each other very much," she insisted, feeling very nearly like her heart was breaking.

"Y-y-you a-are special! Th-th-that's why I sh-should never h-have! M-more special th-than anything!" He shakes his head, starting to try to stand, slowly. He flushed the toilet and washed his face, but then kept washing, and washing, and washing, until his face was red. It was only then that he stopped and went back into her room to go lay on the unoccupied bed, looking rather distant.

She followed him and sat down on the bed beside him, though far enough away that she wouldn't be touching him. "No, Alex, that's not what I mean. That's not what I mean at all. It... Sex isn't dirty or bad when it's between people that love each other very much," she explained, though it brought a vivid blush to her cheeks. "When...when you love someone... Sex is magical...it brings you closer together and makes you love them even more... Alex, I wanted to. You didn't...you didn't force me or molest me... You could even say it was my idea! So...please stop this...please... We don't...have to do it again... But...it was beautiful... It was magical... Please stop saying it was bad. I will always love you. And I will never regret giving you my virginity."

Alex whines, "P-please d-don't say th-that word." He covers his head with his hands, closing his eyes tight. "C-c-can w-we p-please n-not... I-I d-don't wanna th-think about that." He takes another deep breath, using everything he can to just speak, "I-I... this p-place m-made m-me forget m-my fear. T-took it l-like a shadow e-eater. This is wh-why we d-don't k-keep taking r-really b-big shadows. I-it hurts m-more ta get them b-b-back, a-an' h-hurts the people around them." Alex sobs softly, wiping away his tears. "I-I'm s-sorry B-Becca..."

She winced when she realised that even just the word hurt him so much. She panted softly, but reached out her hand to him. "Alex...you can take the charm off. And the memory will go away with it," she offered gently. "All it's doing is hurting you...there's no reason to remember this fear..."

Alex fiddles with the charm, considering. He looks as if he is about to take it off when he sits up and shakes his head. "N-no, there's a r-reason I d-developed the f-fear, and I d-don't think I sh-should just g-get rid of it. I-if anything, I-I'll learn ta d-deal with it."

She nodded quietly, pressing her eyes shut. It was the same reason she kept the memory of where her scars came from. "I'll always love you, Alex...and I still want to be with you..."

Alex is quiet for a bit, catching his breath and calming down. He wipes his eyes and nose, rubbing his arms. "I-it d-doesn't change how I f-feel about you. I-I j-just... I f-feel dirty." And he feels like he made her dirty too, but he didn't want to say that. Saying it just seemed like it would make that feeling more real.

Alex touches his arm again, then feels the blood. He closes his eyes, "B-Becca, c-could you...?" He knew he couldn't look at it again right now. He felt like he was teetering on the edge of depersonalizing, and he had done so well with avoiding that lately. Another look at the blood, and he knew he'd loose grip.

Edited 2012-07-20 04:48 (UTC)

"Yeah, sure," she murmured quietly, going to the bathroom to get out the first aid kit. She sat down beside him again and opened it up, then gingerly reached out. "I'm gonna touch you now," she said, then gently took his arm to start wiping it down with antiseptic before bandaging the wounds.

Alex tensed as she worked on him, and it was clear that it took his whole will to not pull away from her as she used the antiseptic, and only a little less for the rest of the time she was in contact with him.

As soon as he finishes, he pulls away, sighing a breath of relief. "I-I c-can't r-remember why b-blood upsets me s-so much either. That's a-another memory I-I'm hoping I d-don't get b-back.

"I'd say you should probably stop buying them, but...you've got important ones in there that you've got to find... I feel the same way, looking for my brother's face," she said with a sigh, scooting away from him a bit.

"It just hurts me seeing you so upset, Alex... I love you..."

"I-I love you too...

"I-if I r-really c-can't handle it, m-my mind'll block i-it anyway." He frowns, sighing. His mind already hid so much, but it was never something like how to tie a shoe or the numeral 9.

"Well, at least that's still there," she chuckled ruefully. "I was worried, with the way you reacted..."

Alex pulls his legs up onto the bed, bringing his knees to his chest. "Th-that... th-that's the m-me I r-remember from b-before I arrived h-here. I sh-should've known th-that something was off... I-I'm s-sorry I d-didn't s-say a-anything m-more earlier...."

"It's okay," she murmured gently, though she still looked at him with a concerned expression. "I-it doesn't matter. Whatever happens...we'll do it together. We'll face it together. I'm not...my feelings aren't going to change, Alex, I still want to be with you."

It just hurt that she couldn't touch him.

Alex offers a weak smile, "I-I'm glad." He sighed, frowning again, "I-I'm sorry... Y-you'll p-probably g-get dragged through a l-lot with me..."

"It's okay. I don't mind," she promised gently. She reached out to him slowly, wondering if she could at least take his hand.

Alex slowly pulls his hand back, shaking his head. "I-I... I c-can't yet. I-I'm still... adjusting." He smiles sourly, "I-it won't be f-forever."

She nodded weakly, pulling her hand back and dropping it in her lap. She sighed sadly, closing her eyes. "E-even if it's not forever...it still hurts. But I'll wait. I'd wait forever for you, Alex."

Alex hears that and goes to reach for her hand, but pulls back, closing his eyes. "I-I'm sorry. I d-don't wanna hurt you, a-and I-I wouldn't w-wanna m-make you w-wait forever...."

"It's fine," she promised, sighing heavily. "It's not like it's your fault. It's this damn school...it fucks everything up..."

[Alex shakes his head.] I-I might n-not h-have been a-able ta h-hold your h-hand yet if I h-had that m-memory.... I-it t-took m-me years w-with Loretta an' Mikel, b-but... I've g-gotten better s-since.

She nodded quietly, taking a deep breath and letting it out as a heavy sigh. "So...are you still my boyfriend, then? Or...is that...too much for you now?"

Alex smiles weakly, "Of c-course! I w-was worried y-you wouldn't w-want me...." He was honestly relieved to hear that she did still want him to be with her.

She shook her head insistently. "Never. I love you, Alex. I'll be with you, no matter what your problems are."

Alex smiles up at her, even if it was bittered by his tears. He sighs in relief, "Th-that m-makes me f-feel b-better ta hear."

"I'd kiss you to seal the promise, but..." She just left the sentence there; it didn't really need finishing.

Alex smiles gratefully, instead just taking her hand a squeezing it gently.

She squeezed his hand back, taking a deep breath and closing her eyes, letting her breath out again slowly. Just because she still wanted to be with him didn't mean it didn't still hurt that she suddenly couldn't even hug or kiss the boy she'd lost her virginity to; but it certainly wasn't fair to burden him with that right now.

He felt guilty enough as it was, but the fear that came in his stomach made it hard for him to kiss or hug her, even though a part of him longed to do just that. "I-i-it won't b-be l-like this forever. I p-promise, I r-really do. I-I'm s-so sorry."

"We'll just take things slowly and see how they go," she promised gently, opening her eyes and giving him a gentle smile.

Alex sighs with relief and smiles at Becca, "Y-you're really the best."

She chuckled weakly, shaking her head. "I'm just in love with you, that's all."

As usual that made Alex go bright red with embarrassment, but me smiled too. He smiled because even though he felt weird hearing those words, he wanted to hear them, and was beyond happy to hear them. He might not say anything in response, but that's only because he expects his smile to be enough.

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10 || Log || Don't Suppress the Memories

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I thought I replied to this ages ago~

Oh well. <3

<3 <3

/nuzzle

/snug

<3

<3

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