rakuen | 10 || Log || Don't Suppress the Memories

Entry tags:

10 || Log || Don't Suppress the Memories

Characters: Alex and Becca
Format: Prose
This log is: closed
Location: Becca's room
Summary: Alex unlocks some painful memories
Warnings: Triggers for a slew of things.

He just finished his second battle with Dirk, and even though he lost, he decided it was still a good time to go with Becca to get him a memory charm. He was hoping to get back how to tie his shoes, or the numeral 9, but with all the memories that his mind hid from him, it was impossible to tell if there were any of his more painful memories hidden from him by Rakuen. He didn't want to be in his room where the roommate he never spoke with might walk in on him in distress. At least in Becca's room he was only with the person he cared for the most here.

He sits on her bed, charm in hand. He smiles at her and gives her a quick kiss on the cheek, looping his arm around hers as he gets ready to clip on the charm, "I-it feels like R-Russian Roulette. R-ready?"

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Alex tensed as she worked on him, and it was clear that it took his whole will to not pull away from her as she used the antiseptic, and only a little less for the rest of the time she was in contact with him.

As soon as he finishes, he pulls away, sighing a breath of relief. "I-I c-can't r-remember why b-blood upsets me s-so much either. That's a-another memory I-I'm hoping I d-don't get b-back.

"I'd say you should probably stop buying them, but...you've got important ones in there that you've got to find... I feel the same way, looking for my brother's face," she said with a sigh, scooting away from him a bit.

"It just hurts me seeing you so upset, Alex... I love you..."

"I-I love you too...

"I-if I r-really c-can't handle it, m-my mind'll block i-it anyway." He frowns, sighing. His mind already hid so much, but it was never something like how to tie a shoe or the numeral 9.

"Well, at least that's still there," she chuckled ruefully. "I was worried, with the way you reacted..."

Alex pulls his legs up onto the bed, bringing his knees to his chest. "Th-that... th-that's the m-me I r-remember from b-before I arrived h-here. I sh-should've known th-that something was off... I-I'm s-sorry I d-didn't s-say a-anything m-more earlier...."

"It's okay," she murmured gently, though she still looked at him with a concerned expression. "I-it doesn't matter. Whatever happens...we'll do it together. We'll face it together. I'm not...my feelings aren't going to change, Alex, I still want to be with you."

It just hurt that she couldn't touch him.

Alex offers a weak smile, "I-I'm glad." He sighed, frowning again, "I-I'm sorry... Y-you'll p-probably g-get dragged through a l-lot with me..."

"It's okay. I don't mind," she promised gently. She reached out to him slowly, wondering if she could at least take his hand.

Alex slowly pulls his hand back, shaking his head. "I-I... I c-can't yet. I-I'm still... adjusting." He smiles sourly, "I-it won't be f-forever."

She nodded weakly, pulling her hand back and dropping it in her lap. She sighed sadly, closing her eyes. "E-even if it's not forever...it still hurts. But I'll wait. I'd wait forever for you, Alex."

Alex hears that and goes to reach for her hand, but pulls back, closing his eyes. "I-I'm sorry. I d-don't wanna hurt you, a-and I-I wouldn't w-wanna m-make you w-wait forever...."

"It's fine," she promised, sighing heavily. "It's not like it's your fault. It's this damn school...it fucks everything up..."

[Alex shakes his head.] I-I might n-not h-have been a-able ta h-hold your h-hand yet if I h-had that m-memory.... I-it t-took m-me years w-with Loretta an' Mikel, b-but... I've g-gotten better s-since.

She nodded quietly, taking a deep breath and letting it out as a heavy sigh. "So...are you still my boyfriend, then? Or...is that...too much for you now?"

Alex smiles weakly, "Of c-course! I w-was worried y-you wouldn't w-want me...." He was honestly relieved to hear that she did still want him to be with her.

She shook her head insistently. "Never. I love you, Alex. I'll be with you, no matter what your problems are."

Alex smiles up at her, even if it was bittered by his tears. He sighs in relief, "Th-that m-makes me f-feel b-better ta hear."

"I'd kiss you to seal the promise, but..." She just left the sentence there; it didn't really need finishing.

Alex smiles gratefully, instead just taking her hand a squeezing it gently.

She squeezed his hand back, taking a deep breath and closing her eyes, letting her breath out again slowly. Just because she still wanted to be with him didn't mean it didn't still hurt that she suddenly couldn't even hug or kiss the boy she'd lost her virginity to; but it certainly wasn't fair to burden him with that right now.

He felt guilty enough as it was, but the fear that came in his stomach made it hard for him to kiss or hug her, even though a part of him longed to do just that. "I-i-it won't b-be l-like this forever. I p-promise, I r-really do. I-I'm s-so sorry."

"We'll just take things slowly and see how they go," she promised gently, opening her eyes and giving him a gentle smile.

Alex sighs with relief and smiles at Becca, "Y-you're really the best."

She chuckled weakly, shaking her head. "I'm just in love with you, that's all."

As usual that made Alex go bright red with embarrassment, but me smiled too. He smiled because even though he felt weird hearing those words, he wanted to hear them, and was beyond happy to hear them. He might not say anything in response, but that's only because he expects his smile to be enough.

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10 || Log || Don't Suppress the Memories

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I thought I replied to this ages ago~

Oh well. <3

<3 <3

/nuzzle

/snug

<3

<3

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