rakuen | How far down would you fall if you never came up again?

Entry tags:

How far down would you fall if you never came up again?

Characters: Kallen and you.
Format: Action please. Just intro is written in prose.
This log is: OPEN
Location: Three options: a. Dining Hall, b. Courtyard, c. the Pale dorm common room. She goes to all three in that order.
When:: "Tuesday" IG
Summary: Kallen's just up and about, walking around to get some fresh air and food. And if you're a player and MAYBE convincing enough, she MIGHT let you use her weapon.

a) When Kallen woke up, she was alone but wasn't particularly disturbed by it. She was still 'here' wherever 'here' was. Pushing herself to sit up in bed, she looked around the room, down at herself, and then specifically at her hands. It was gone... not her hands silly, the blood. She remembered falling asleep in the corner and-- Gino must have moved her to her bed. A small grateful smile fell onto her lips as she finally got out of bed and holy crap she was hungry.

She made her way over to the dining hall and grabbed something to eat. Getting a lot of food and stuffing it into her stomach was a bad idea waiting to happen, so she decided against that. She grabbed a lunch set containing a small bowl of rice, salad, and beef bowl. She didn't tend to eat actual Japanese food often (since she usually packed her own and it was sandwiches), but for once, she figured she would indulge herself. After all, she was hungry.

b) Contently from there, she walked to the courtyard. Despite the dream or whatever it was everyone had and the creepy effects that happened here not too long ago, Kallen felt... strangely okay. It probably had something to do with the hallucinations. She could see this ~~fake world~~ scenery for what it was and come to appreciate it. It was weird, really, but she felt a lot better to be able to look at the sky, and well, not see the unnatural colors it carried that day. Not to mention the blood that followed her.

She wasn't going to go to classes. She wasn't sure if she was up for that just yet. But she stared in the direction of the classrooms. Kallen told herself that she would go to tomorrow. It would give her enough time to rest up and regain her focus. The teenager also half appreciated that she wasn't a Player this round. There was no way she would have been able to fight. Come the next round and if she was named a Player, she would be ready then. But in the mean time she would have to find out some information. About who they were up against. She had a feeling that no student would have the answers so she would have to do so herself.

c) Kallen headed back to the dorm and sat in the common room. She stood against the windowsill, looking out the window. She knew she had homework to make up for the classes she missed, but that didn't seem to bother her. She knew she was smart, but felt like... there was something more to it. Like... how everything just came naturally to her. Probably another lost memory she would have to figure out on her own.

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[ and if you'd care to notice, Kallen, here comes Sulu walking down the pathway you happen to be on, looking very deep in thought. and he is. he's been doing a lot of that deep thinking since he woke up in his dorm room with a distant ache in his neck--probably from sleeping weird, but it won't go away--and. Well. Some very interesting memories he'd rather not mention. ]

[ he looks up just in time to see Kallen and, full stop, entire body going still and face turning just a faint shade of pink. is it too late to run? ]

Edited 2011-02-09 17:59 (UTC)

[She continues to walk down the path until she notices Sulu herself. It's that awkward moment where you and the other person STOP at the same time and you don't know what to do with yourself.]

[If this were yesterday, she'd back down, run away. She'd say it was her fault he died. She had distinctly seen his blood on her hands yesterday. But that was yesterday. This was today. From her memories, she remembers losing feeling in her left arm because of the foil that cut deeply into her skin and flesh. A ghost pain ran itself through the circuit of her arm before she brought her right hand up to clutch at it for a moment.]

[She starts up walking again, hand returned to her side and stops about twenty feet in front of him. Where can she even start?]

[ oh god panic panic panic wait uh. crap. what to do. Sulu kind of desperately wishes that he were back on the Enterprise in the middle of a Romulan attack because that, at least, is something he can focus on, something easy and not involving complications. ]

[ like, you know, talking with the person with the same face as the one that killed you. ]

[ yeah. that can cause problems. he swallows, bows his head in a curt, polite nod. Sulu is in full-fledged Lieutenant Mode now, and it's gonna be pretty damn hard to snap him out of it. ]

Ms. Kozuki. [ because if there's one thing he knows, after what happened last week they're probably not on first name basis anymore. he doesn't usually call people by their first names anyway-- that's just how it works in Starfleet. ]

[She almost flinches at that. She was pretty sure he's called her by her first name, especially when this happened before. 'Kallen's fine' she remembers telling him but--]

[She brings her gaze up to meet him and maybe their eyes even meet.]

I'm sorry.

[I'm sorry for watching idly and not doing anything to help you. I'm sorry I got you killed. I'm sorry I couldn't do anything for you. I'm sorry I couldn't protect you. I'm sorry that I failed you. All of those things go unsaid. She even said she would go on for him, but she died.]

[She bows deeply. She knows no apology can fix what happened and hell, she doesn't even expect him to forgive her. Avoid her, never talk to her again, she's okay with that. Kallen would hate for that to happen, but it's Sulu's choice and if that's what he wants, then he'll get it.]

[When she stands upright, her eyes are locked on the ground. Her feet are in motion as she walks past him.]

Edited 2011-02-09 18:31 (UTC)

[ it's not you, Kallen, it's him. he's convinced himself that they're no longer on first name basis, please don't take it personally. still, her apology jars his thoughts for a moment as he blinks in confusion. he's not sure what she's-- ]

[ I'll give you once chance to hit me. Just one. Use it well, Hikaru. ]

[ Checkmate. ]

[ Sulu swallows hard, fingers twitching. ah. the words have been plaguing him for the past few days, but this is the first time he's remembered someone staring, watching, running... his shoulders rise a little in defense. it's not something Sulu does, dwelling, but this is different. Kallen... he feels that they could be good friends and Sulu could use one of those. ]

[ so when she tries to walk by him he hesitates and then reaches out, wrapping a hand around her wrist. he's quivering, half from a surety that she'll hit him across the face and from a remnant of the nightmares he's been having since... since. ]

[ he says nothing. ]

Edited 2011-02-09 19:38 (UTC)

[When Sulu makes contact, she stops. Hit you? That's the last thing Kallen would do. She looks down at her wrist, his grip tight, shaking. What should she do? She was pretty sure with her looking down at their connection, he would think it's wrong and let go. So she had to act fast. Even so, hesitantly, she brought her opposite hand to rest in top of his. It wasn't an act to try and get him to let go. But as an apology, but also comfort. There's a lot right now that can't be said with words.]

[She looks back up at him, locking weary eyes. What does he see when he looks at her? Kallen Kozuki or the darkened shadow of her. She's actually afraid to know the answer do that.]

[ he's not entirely sure what he meant to accomplish with that little move but it's not like he can just take it back or anything. there really isn't anything that can be said with words, and Sulu was never really one for trying. still when Kallen puts her hand on top of his, his grip loosens into something less urgent and more... pleading perhaps. like he's quietly asking permission for something. ]

[ what that is though, he's not sure. there's a lot that needs to be said, and even more that needs to be actually discussed, but for now he'd be content with just a confirmation of forgiveness, or... or something to prove to him now that what he saw wasn't real or, if it was, not going to happen again. he knows that Kallen came running for him seconds before the nightmare ends, and he gets the feeling it's not untrue. ]

[ his lips tighten for a second. because he knows, Kallen. he knows what you're thinking. ]

That wasn't you. [ god, this is going to sound cheesy. ] This is you. You can't apologize for something you didn't do.

[Her eyes open wide for a moment. It's scary how your face can say what you decide not to and the other person catches it. She looks down at their hands and then back at him.]

It's me. [She tries to laugh but it really didn't come out as intended. But she is apologizing for something she didn't do. She didn't kill you, yes, but she failed to help you. She approached too late, too concerned with finding an opening. But if she didn't find that opening, both of them could have been killed.]

[Her grip loosens in reaction and she looks down again. It's almost as if his permission request was granted, but that's not exactly why Kallen loosened her grip. If she could have died in his place, she would have. That's what soldiers do. They protect, they put their life on the line. But she... protect her own life... instead of his. Granted it was unintentional but...]

I am apologizing for something I didn't do.

I didn't save you when I could have.

[ his cheeks get just a bit darker when she looks down at their hands. they're not... holding hands exactly but... he's sort of shifted a little so his fingers are wrapped kind of around her palm. huh. but that's not the problem at hand right now. ]

Okay, let me reword. You can't apologize for something someone else did that you didn't do. [ he squeezes her hand a little when her grip loosens. yes, she didn't save him. he listens quietly, thinking for a moment as to what he would have done. he's a trained officer, long ago schooled to be able to handle situations like that. but he's still young-- there's nothing to say he wouldn't have done the same thing. so when she says she hadn't saved him, his voice is gentle. ]

No, I guess you didn't. It's fuzzy. [ he gestures around his head but there's a soft little smile on his face. ] And for that, I'm grateful. You know the saying: better me than you.

[ and you know, how would he have felt if you had died trying to save him? he is a soldier as well-- he knows the risks, the feelings, the desperate desire to protect and the thoughtlessness with which you can jump to rescue. he knows it first hand-- both giving and receiving. yes, he died. that he knows now. but he did not live because of Kallen's death, and that is the one thing that he is grateful for above all others. ]

[When he squeezes her hand lightly, she looks up. She looks disgusted with herself, but she knows there's truth in that the male is saying. She can't apologize for her shadow killing him. She didn't do that. Rationally she knows her jumping in at the wrong time could have gotten them both killed. But she still can't help but to blame herself for it.]

[Kallen holds into his hand lightly. Saying, 'No, I guess you didn't' doesn't exactly makes her feel better. In fact, when he says, 'better me than you', it makes her feel a hell of a lot worse because it should have been her, not him. She looks away, feeling a moment of self-hatred. But it quickly dissolves when the rational part of her brain kicks in. "She did what she could and she couldn't save him. It's in the past now and by some strange circumstance, they are alive. Appreciate this time now."]

[But there is something she can do about the present.]

I know it's selfish to ask, but can you promise me something?

[She looks down at their hands.]

[ Kallen can look at him like that all she wants, Sulu is not going to change his mind, and he's not going to blame you. sure, blame can make a person feel better about themselves but logically, blame isn't going to do anything whatsoever in the long run. Sulu feels just as helpless having been unable to defend himself. ]

[ and you may not know it, but Sulu, well, he has no idea what he's doing, not really. he really is living in the past. but he can do this one thing for you, yes. ]

What promise?

[Her grip tightens on his hands. She doesn't mean to do it. She doesn't want to lose any more important people to her. Nor does she want to fight them.]

If the chance ever arises that you and I become Players during the same round... promise me that we won't fight each other. I don't think... I could do it again.

[She thinks back on the 'dream', the shadow of him messing with her mentality. The fight was far from fair and Kallen even threw down her weapon in order to fight back. She knows Sulu wouldn't know what she's talking about unless 'that' part of him allowed him to remember.]

[ honestly, Sulu has to blink a few times. out of the many things he may have suspected, a request for them to never fight had not occurred to him. sure, he didn't want to fight her either, but in a school that required it, it had never crossed his mind. Sulu was used to fighting for sport by the time he arrived at Utopia. ]

[ still. he had not liked fighting her, whether it was actually her or not. advantages aside, Sulu never liked fighting comrades for anything less than just pure fun and he doesn't want to be coerced into it, nor forced. ]

[ so really there's not other option other than to squeeze her hand again and let a small smile curl his lips. ]

If that's what you want, I'll honor it. [ still so formal, though. you want to do something about that, Kallen? ]

[She looks up in his direction when he squeezes her hand. That causes her to lessen her the grip she hadn't realize she was holding. He's... really only doing this for her, isn't he? Then again, it was a selfish request on her part.]

Are we that distant now?

[His formality, she had been questioning it in her mind but she didn't exactly mean to verbally force it. She can't take it back so the only thing she can do is follow through.]

I know... I've only called you by your last name that day but... It was in the rush of the moment. I remember telling you to call me Kallen, -- [There's something that feels off, unnatural about this, but the whole entire situation is unnatural, so might as well go with it.]-- Hikaru.

[Of course, everything is translated to sound the same, but with some thought, you can actually change it. His name is said with her Japanese tongue, accented and all.]

[ something suspiciously like a blush begins to color his cheeks when her grip lessens. he hadn't really noticed they'd progressed to full on hand-holding, and there's not much for him to do but start to let go as well. and perhaps he is. maybe he is doing it for her, but that is what friends do, right? ]

[ ..are they friends? ]

[ it's a thought he can't help but contemplate for a moment. he listens quietly to her for a moment, remembering when she had called him into the fray, and how quickly that'd turned around. but when she says his name--his first name, a name that goes lost in a strict place like Starfleet--he can't help but smile a little. ]

Yeah. You did, as a matter of fact.

[ and that's a real smile, not just the hint of one. ]

[When he starts to let go, she realizes what they're doing --and have been doing for the past, who knows, ten? Twenty minutes?-- and a blush finally creeps onto her cheeks and she takes a couple of steps back.]

[How embarrassing; acting like a school girl who's never been in love. The only different is that while she is a school girl, she has been in love, granted one sided.]

[She doesn't quite look up when she speaks again.]

So I don't want to hear just my last name from you. Got it?

[While you have your Lieutenant mode, Kallen has her tsundere mode.]

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How far down would you fall if you never came up again?

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