rakuen | [conquest wide network post][karkat shut up: the sequel]

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[conquest wide network post][karkat shut up: the sequel]

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] opened memo BALL GROPING DOUCHEBAG INSTITUTION --

LISTEN UP
THIS SCHOOL HAS CHOSEN ME TO BE ONE OF ITS "PLAYERS" EVEN THOUGH I'VE ONLY JUST ARRIVED
THEREBY SUGGESTING THAT I AM A BILLION TIMES BETTER THAN ALL OF YOU
THAT I AM SMARTER, BETTER LOOKING AND MORE CAPABLE THAN YOU ARE, WHOEVER YOU ARE.
WHICH IS 100% IRREFUTABLE FACT.

HOLY SHIT, I JUST SKIMMED WHAT I JUST WROTE AND WOW I AM A DOUCHEBAG
BUT ENOUGH CHIT CHAT.
THIS IS AN AD FOR A WEAPON, ASSHOLES.

WANTED: A WEAPON
PREFERABLY A SICKLE BECAUSE THAT'S MY SPECIALTY
BUT ANY SHORT-RANGED WEAPON WOULD DO

TERMS AND CONDITIONS
1.) THIS IS NOT A WALK IN THE GODDAMN PARK. I AM NOT BATTLING FOR THE "LOLS" AND THE "FUNSIES", I AM FIGHTING TO *WIN*. I NEED A WEAPON WITH DREAMS AND HALF THE AMBITION I HAVE. TRUST ME, HALF IS ENOUGH.
2.) I NEED SOMEONE WHOSE BALLS WILL NOT SHRIVEL UP WHEN I SCREAM AT THEM. SERIOUSLY, HALF OF YOU NOOKSNIFFERS CRY AT EVERYTHING I SAY. IT GETS ANNOYING AFTER A WHILE. IF I WANTED TO MAKE YOU CRY, I WOULD DELIVER A HEAPING PILE OF TROLLING ON YOUR ASS OR JUST PUNCH YOU SQUARE IN THE FACE. YOU GUYS ARE MAKING THIS WAY TOO DAMN EASY FOR ME.

BENEFITS
1.) YOU WILL BE GRANTED FULL RIGHTS. YOU WILL BE FREE TO FROLIC AND TRIP ANYWHERE YOU WANT TO GO. SERIOUSLY, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT WHAT YOU DO AS MY WEAPON, JUST BE THERE WHEN I FIGHT. I'LL TEXT YOU OR SOMETHING.
2.) MY HANDS WILL BE KEPT TO MYSELF, IN CASE ANYBODY'S AFRAID OF MOLESTATION. I DON'T WANT TO TOUCH YOUR GROSS MAMMALIAN JUNK ANYWAY. ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE SHITHOLE SPECTRUM, I WON'T HURT YOU. I GIVE YOU MY WORD.
3.) I'VE BEEN INFORMED THAT THIS IS A PROBLEM SO FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY, I WON'T CALL YOU NAMES. THAT'S RIGHT, FOLKS. THERE WOULD BE NO SCATHING RETORTS OR TRUTHFUL JABS AIMED AT YOUR DIRECTION -- UNLESS YOU FUCK UP OR MAKE IT HARD FOR ME TO DO THIS OR YOUR LAST NAME HAPPENS TO BE STRIDER, THEN THAT'S YOUR OWN DAMN FAULT.
SO SIGN UP WHILE IT'S STILL HOT, FOLKS. SOME THINGS ARE NEGOTIABLE, SOME ARE NOT. NOT SURE? LET'S DISCUSS IT. PREPARE ME A POWERPOINT PRESENTATION.

P.S. IF YOU'RE GOING TO REPLY TO THIS WITH SOMETHING STUPID LIKE OOH MR. KARKAT PLEASE WASH YOUR MOUTH WITH SOAP, THEN KINDLY GTFO I DON'T GIVE A SHIT WHAT YOU THINK.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Your crass language hardly bothers me, but it is highly unprofessional. I suggest if you wish to garner interest in yourself as a player, you might want to conduct yourself with some class.

That said, you want to win, do you?

YOU'RE MISTAKING ME FOR A DIFFERENT KIND OF ASSHOLE, LADY
I'M THE TYPE BORN AND RAISED RUNNING AND THRESHING WILDEBEASTS WITH MORE SCARS THAN YOU'VE HAD WRIGGLING DAYS
NOT THE SPOILED LITTLE RICH TROLL RAISED IN A MOTHERFUCKING BOAT.

YEAH
REALLY, REALLY BADLY.
I WANT TO TEACH YOU SHIT SACKS A LESSON OR TWO ABOUT COMBAT.
THINK YOU GOT WHAT IT TAKES?

Your low birth is hardly surprising, especially with your strange jargon, but it hardly prevents you from trying to overcome that and behave a little better when making public statements.

I hardly think you would be the one teaching me about combat, because I am highly experienced in it.

MAYBE I'LL START BEING A GENTLEMAN
MY NOOK.
I THINK IT'S WELL-ESTABLISHED THAT I CAN'T BE ASSED TO GIVE TWO SHITS ABOUT MANNERS BECAUSE WHAT EVEN IS THE FUCKING POINT???
GOD.
ALSO???
THE STRANGE JARGON IS BECAUSE I AM A GODDAMN ALIEN
MIGHT I SUGGEST YOU START READING UP ON CULTURAL SENSITIVITY BECAUSE THERE'S FIVE OF US HERE, THREE OF WHICH ARE PART OF MY CREW.
THERE'S APPARENTLY A BOOK ABOUT THAT.

HA FUCKING HA
LOOK, THE JOLLY OLD SYLLABLES ARE SPRINGING FORTH FROM MY ABSURDITY PALATE AGAIN
I'M GOING TO ASSUME YOU'RE A SOFT FLESHY HUMAN LIKE THE OTHERS HERE.
IN WHICH CASE, YOU WOULDN'T KNOW COMBAT EVEN WHEN IT'S RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU, PUNCHING YOU IN THE FACE.
COMBAT IS WHEN YOU GROW UP WITH A DANGEROUS CRAB MONSTER OF A "DAD" IN A HOSTILE PLANET WHERE EVERYBODY TRIES TO KILL YOU FOR YOUR BLOOD
AND THEN PLAY A GAME WHERE YOU CAN'T EVEN AFFORD TO SLEEP BECAUSE YOUR WHOLE GODDAMN TEAM IS AN ENSEMBLE OF TRIGGER HAPPY LUNATICS THAT WOULD MURDER YOU AND EACH OTHER WHEN YOU'RE NOT AWAKE TO SCREAM AT THEM UNTIL THEY STOP
I REITERATE: I STAYED AWAKE FOR A GODDAMN MONTH AND KILLED HUNDREDS OF MONSTERS DURING THAT SPAN OF TIME
CHOKE. ON. THAT.

[>Cultural sensitivity
Social Darnwinist
Nope.jpg.]

Fine. This argument is a waste of time. You'll get farther with respectable behavior, but it's not my problem. Your "culture" is also not my problem.

I imagine there would be a difference between monsters and intelligent opponents, but depending on circumstances your ability to keep your soldiers in line sounds like it might be acceptable.

As for my own experience, I am the former Chief General of the Imperial Army of the Holy Empire of Britannia.

FINE
WHAT THE FUCK EVER IT'S NOT LIKE I ACTUALLY GIVE A SHIT OR ANYTHING.

DAMN RIGHT IT IS.
I AM THEIR GODDAMN LEADER
SO THEY WOULD DO WELL TO RESPECT ME.

THAT SOUNDS FANCY.
SO YOU UP FOR IT?

We've already gone into how you could earn their respect.

I suppose. It's not like this is a permanent deal, anyway.

OK, GREAT.
THE NAME'S KARKAT VANTAS.

Cornelia li Britannia, 2nd Princess of the Holy Empire of Britannia.

Hopefully working with you will be worth it.

RIGHT BACK AT YOU, PRINCESS.

i'll team up with you karkat!
this whole game sounds pretty fun so i'm up for it.
let's win this!

GOOD.
YOUR FORM BETTER NOT BE A GODAWFULLY HEAVY HAMMER BECAUSE I NEED STRENGTH, EGBERT, NOT A TON OF BRICKS TO SWING AROUND.

well i think it's a hammer...
but not an overly large one?
it's easy to wield and it's strong so you should be able to knock some teeth out with it!

A HAMMER.
OF FUCKING COURSE YOU'RE A HAMMER.

AND I'M A SICKLE
BECAUSE THE UNIVERSE IS AN UNCREATIVE, UNIMAGINATIVE LITTLE FUCK.

you really know how to attract a crowd
dont you

damn. i never would have guessed literally smashing your keys in would get you a couple weapons.

[If she wasn't a player, however. She wouldn't mind teaming up with loudmouth nooksucking troll here.]

MORE THAN WHAT YOU GOT
WHICH IS ZERO PLUS SANTANA'S AWFUL MOUTHPUSSY YAPPING YOUR EARS AWAY.
IT MUST BE HARD BEING YOU.

Awful.
Mouthpussy.

You're a fucking idiot, I take back what I say about appreciating your balls.

OH NO
BUT I LIVE AND THRIVE FOR YOUR APPROVAL.
IDIOT.

As you fucking should! But seriously, anatomy lesson, get one.

I DON'T NEED TO LEARN THE 69 WAYS TO GET MAMMALS TO LACTATE, SANTANA
NOBODY SHOULD LEARN THAT.
BECAUSE THAT IS FUCKING DISGUSTING.

Well if you knew anything about humans you would know the significance of the number 69, it could save your ass one day.

MORE ABSURD EARTH THINGS I DON'T WANT TO KNOW

More absurd Earth things that will prevent you from getting slapped in the face is more like it.

You know, even if you're being pathetic and asking for Weapons over the network, you've got some balls and I can appreciate that. And I know you're an alien so don't go taking that the wrong way, I have no interest in having sex with you.

ARE YOU SAYING I SHOULD JUST GO DOOR TO DOOR AND ASK PEOPLE FOR WEAPONS WITHOUT KNOWING FIRST IF THEY'RE A MEEK LITTLE SHITFUCKS THAT WOULD REQUIRE TENDER LOVE AND AFFECTION???
HELL FUCKING NO.
I NEED WARRIORS, BITCH.
MEN AND WOMEN THAT HAVE POWER. AMBITION. COMBAT SKILLS AND NERVES OF STEEL.

I'm saying you should just take them, you can find out what they are later, if they're strong then use them and if they're not then you're one Weapon closer to the win condition.

I WILL NOT FUCKING RESORT TO PETTY WEAPON GATHERING LIKE I'M THE CROWNED PIMPMASTER HUSSLELUSUS OF WEAPONS IN THE INTRICATE ASSCRACK KNOWN AS RAKUEN

You know, I think I've got you figured out. You're in the closet, aren't you? That's why you're so angry all the time.

[PERSONAL EXPERIENCE, WHAT?]

I'M NOT IN ANY CLOSETS.
WHY WOULD I GO INSIDE CLOSETS, I AM NOT AN ARTICLE OF CLOTHING TO BE HANGED AND IGNORED UNTIL I HAVE TO LAUNDER.

It's a human metaphor, it means are you hiding the fact you're gay?

GAY MEANS HAPPY RIGHT?
NO I'M NOT HIDING THE FACT THAT I'M HAPPY
I'M NOT FUCKING HAPPY.
I'M ANGRY.
ALL THE FUCKING TIME!
HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT BEFORE IT CAN GET ACROSS YOUR THICK SKULL???
I HATE YOU.

Gay means you're a guy lusting after dicks, and you seem to be pretty phallus obsessed.

OH. *OH*.
I FINALLY GOT WHAT YOU MEANT.
YOU'RE ASKING IF I'M AN EARTH HOMOSEXUAL.
TO THAT I SAY:
HA. HA. HA. HA.
DO YOU REALLY THINK OUR ADVANCED SPECIES WOULD PRACTICE SUCH AN INFERIOR CONCEPT SUCH AS HOMOSEXUALISM?
PLEASE. WE DON'T EVEN HAVE WORDS FOR THAT -- WE JUST LIKE AND HATE WHO WE LIKE AND HATE OK????
OUR ROMANCE IS SO MUCH MORE COMPREHENSIVE AND SUPERIOR
AND YOU WONDER WHY YOU GUYS ARE SO WEAK AND STUPID

I didn't hear any denial about it. Just because your species doesn't have a word for it doesn't mean that you can't be one. I have some pretty awesome gaydar and you're just giving off so many vibes. So who is the unlucky guy?

THAT'S BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING TO DENY, MORON.
I DON'T HAVE ANY PARTICULAR PREFERENCE IN GENDER BECAUSE THEY LOOK FUCKING THE SAME TO ME.
IF I HAPPEN TO BE WAXING BLACK OR PAIL OR FLUSHED OR ASHEN FOR A DUDE, THEN MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, THAT'S MY PROBLEM, ISN'T IT?
EITHER WAY
BONE BULGES? GIVE ME TWO!

Dolorosa tried to explain quadrants to me once, they sound pretty stupid if you ask me. I'm going to throw being culturally sensitive out the window for a moment, even though I killed it long ago, and ask this. Is there really no difference between genders where you're from?

THEY'RE NOT STUPID
YOU'RE STUPID FOR NOT RECOGNIZING A SUPERIOR FORM OF ROMANCE WHEN YOU SEE ONE.

THERE'S A DIFFERENCE
I AM VERY OBVIOUSLY MALE.
WHILE THE DOLOROSA IS VERY OBVIOUSLY FEMALE.
ME. MALE. MANLY FUCKING LEADER OF THE CENTURY AND VOICE OF REASON.
THE DOLOROSA, FEMININE, BENIGN AND POSSIBLY DEADLIER THAN YOU COULD EVER IMAGINE.
BUT THAT DOESN'T REALLY COME INTO PLAY IN ROMANCE
THAT'S LIKE SAYING I PREFER SMART PEOPLE OVER DUMB ONES
IT HARDLY EVEN MATTERS UNLESS IT'S A BIG ENOUGH FUCKING ISSUE FOR YOU
IT'S JUST A GODDAMN FUCKING PREFERENCE.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[conquest wide network post][karkat shut up: the sequel]

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NOW WITH CORRECT COLOR CODE

(:B

seriously that # is very important mang never forget it /headdesk

wise words

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