[conquest wide network post][karkat shut up: the sequel]

[threshprinceoffuckyou]

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] opened memo BALL GROPING DOUCHEBAG INSTITUTION --

LISTEN UP
THIS SCHOOL HAS CHOSEN ME TO BE ONE OF ITS "PLAYERS" EVEN THOUGH I'VE ONLY JUST ARRIVED
THEREBY SUGGESTING THAT I AM A BILLION TIMES BETTER THAN ALL OF YOU
THAT I AM SMARTER, BETTER LOOKING AND MORE CAPABLE THAN YOU ARE, WHOEVER YOU ARE.
WHICH IS 100% IRREFUTABLE FACT.

HOLY SHIT, I JUST SKIMMED WHAT I JUST WROTE AND WOW I AM A DOUCHEBAG
BUT ENOUGH CHIT CHAT.
THIS IS AN AD FOR A WEAPON, ASSHOLES.

WANTED: A WEAPON
PREFERABLY A SICKLE BECAUSE THAT'S MY SPECIALTY
BUT ANY SHORT-RANGED WEAPON WOULD DO

TERMS AND CONDITIONS
1.) THIS IS NOT A WALK IN THE GODDAMN PARK. I AM NOT BATTLING FOR THE "LOLS" AND THE "FUNSIES", I AM FIGHTING TO *WIN*. I NEED A WEAPON WITH DREAMS AND HALF THE AMBITION I HAVE. TRUST ME, HALF IS ENOUGH.
2.) I NEED SOMEONE WHOSE BALLS WILL NOT SHRIVEL UP WHEN I SCREAM AT THEM. SERIOUSLY, HALF OF YOU NOOKSNIFFERS CRY AT EVERYTHING I SAY. IT GETS ANNOYING AFTER A WHILE. IF I WANTED TO MAKE YOU CRY, I WOULD DELIVER A HEAPING PILE OF TROLLING ON YOUR ASS OR JUST PUNCH YOU SQUARE IN THE FACE. YOU GUYS ARE MAKING THIS WAY TOO DAMN EASY FOR ME.

BENEFITS
1.) YOU WILL BE GRANTED FULL RIGHTS. YOU WILL BE FREE TO FROLIC AND TRIP ANYWHERE YOU WANT TO GO. SERIOUSLY, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT WHAT YOU DO AS MY WEAPON, JUST BE THERE WHEN I FIGHT. I'LL TEXT YOU OR SOMETHING.
2.) MY HANDS WILL BE KEPT TO MYSELF, IN CASE ANYBODY'S AFRAID OF MOLESTATION. I DON'T WANT TO TOUCH YOUR GROSS MAMMALIAN JUNK ANYWAY. ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE SHITHOLE SPECTRUM, I WON'T HURT YOU. I GIVE YOU MY WORD.
3.) I'VE BEEN INFORMED THAT THIS IS A PROBLEM SO FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY, I WON'T CALL YOU NAMES. THAT'S RIGHT, FOLKS. THERE WOULD BE NO SCATHING RETORTS OR TRUTHFUL JABS AIMED AT YOUR DIRECTION -- UNLESS YOU FUCK UP OR MAKE IT HARD FOR ME TO DO THIS OR YOUR LAST NAME HAPPENS TO BE STRIDER, THEN THAT'S YOUR OWN DAMN FAULT.
SO SIGN UP WHILE IT'S STILL HOT, FOLKS. SOME THINGS ARE NEGOTIABLE, SOME ARE NOT. NOT SURE? LET'S DISCUSS IT. PREPARE ME A POWERPOINT PRESENTATION.

P.S. IF YOU'RE GOING TO REPLY TO THIS WITH SOMETHING STUPID LIKE OOH MR. KARKAT PLEASE WASH YOUR MOUTH WITH SOAP, THEN KINDLY GTFO I DON'T GIVE A SHIT WHAT YOU THINK.

Comments

[socialdarwinism]

Your crass language hardly bothers me, but it is highly unprofessional. I suggest if you wish to garner interest in yourself as a player, you might want to conduct yourself with some class.

That said, you want to win, do you?

[threshprinceoffuckyou]

YOU'RE MISTAKING ME FOR A DIFFERENT KIND OF ASSHOLE, LADY
I'M THE TYPE BORN AND RAISED RUNNING AND THRESHING WILDEBEASTS WITH MORE SCARS THAN YOU'VE HAD WRIGGLING DAYS
NOT THE SPOILED LITTLE RICH TROLL RAISED IN A MOTHERFUCKING BOAT.

YEAH
REALLY, REALLY BADLY.
I WANT TO TEACH YOU SHIT SACKS A LESSON OR TWO ABOUT COMBAT.
THINK YOU GOT WHAT IT TAKES?

[socialdarwinism]

Your low birth is hardly surprising, especially with your strange jargon, but it hardly prevents you from trying to overcome that and behave a little better when making public statements.

I hardly think you would be the one teaching me about combat, because I am highly experienced in it.

[threshprinceoffuckyou]

MAYBE I'LL START BEING A GENTLEMAN
MY NOOK.
I THINK IT'S WELL-ESTABLISHED THAT I CAN'T BE ASSED TO GIVE TWO SHITS ABOUT MANNERS BECAUSE WHAT EVEN IS THE FUCKING POINT???
GOD.
ALSO???
THE STRANGE JARGON IS BECAUSE I AM A GODDAMN ALIEN
MIGHT I SUGGEST YOU START READING UP ON CULTURAL SENSITIVITY BECAUSE THERE'S FIVE OF US HERE, THREE OF WHICH ARE PART OF MY CREW.
THERE'S APPARENTLY A BOOK ABOUT THAT.

HA FUCKING HA
LOOK, THE JOLLY OLD SYLLABLES ARE SPRINGING FORTH FROM MY ABSURDITY PALATE AGAIN
I'M GOING TO ASSUME YOU'RE A SOFT FLESHY HUMAN LIKE THE OTHERS HERE.
IN WHICH CASE, YOU WOULDN'T KNOW COMBAT EVEN WHEN IT'S RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU, PUNCHING YOU IN THE FACE.
COMBAT IS WHEN YOU GROW UP WITH A DANGEROUS CRAB MONSTER OF A "DAD" IN A HOSTILE PLANET WHERE EVERYBODY TRIES TO KILL YOU FOR YOUR BLOOD
AND THEN PLAY A GAME WHERE YOU CAN'T EVEN AFFORD TO SLEEP BECAUSE YOUR WHOLE GODDAMN TEAM IS AN ENSEMBLE OF TRIGGER HAPPY LUNATICS THAT WOULD MURDER YOU AND EACH OTHER WHEN YOU'RE NOT AWAKE TO SCREAM AT THEM UNTIL THEY STOP
I REITERATE: I STAYED AWAKE FOR A GODDAMN MONTH AND KILLED HUNDREDS OF MONSTERS DURING THAT SPAN OF TIME
CHOKE. ON. THAT.

[socialdarwinism]

[>Cultural sensitivity
Social Darnwinist
Nope.jpg.]

Fine. This argument is a waste of time. You'll get farther with respectable behavior, but it's not my problem. Your "culture" is also not my problem.

I imagine there would be a difference between monsters and intelligent opponents, but depending on circumstances your ability to keep your soldiers in line sounds like it might be acceptable.

As for my own experience, I am the former Chief General of the Imperial Army of the Holy Empire of Britannia.

[threshprinceoffuckyou]

FINE
WHAT THE FUCK EVER IT'S NOT LIKE I ACTUALLY GIVE A SHIT OR ANYTHING.

DAMN RIGHT IT IS.
I AM THEIR GODDAMN LEADER
SO THEY WOULD DO WELL TO RESPECT ME.

THAT SOUNDS FANCY.
SO YOU UP FOR IT?

[socialdarwinism]

We've already gone into how you could earn their respect.

I suppose. It's not like this is a permanent deal, anyway.

[threshprinceoffuckyou]

OK, GREAT.
THE NAME'S KARKAT VANTAS.

[socialdarwinism]

Cornelia li Britannia, 2nd Princess of the Holy Empire of Britannia.

Hopefully working with you will be worth it.

[threshprinceoffuckyou]

RIGHT BACK AT YOU, PRINCESS.