[conquest wide network post][karkat shut up: the sequel]

[threshprinceoffuckyou]

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] opened memo BALL GROPING DOUCHEBAG INSTITUTION --

LISTEN UP
THIS SCHOOL HAS CHOSEN ME TO BE ONE OF ITS "PLAYERS" EVEN THOUGH I'VE ONLY JUST ARRIVED
THEREBY SUGGESTING THAT I AM A BILLION TIMES BETTER THAN ALL OF YOU
THAT I AM SMARTER, BETTER LOOKING AND MORE CAPABLE THAN YOU ARE, WHOEVER YOU ARE.
WHICH IS 100% IRREFUTABLE FACT.

HOLY SHIT, I JUST SKIMMED WHAT I JUST WROTE AND WOW I AM A DOUCHEBAG
BUT ENOUGH CHIT CHAT.
THIS IS AN AD FOR A WEAPON, ASSHOLES.

WANTED: A WEAPON
PREFERABLY A SICKLE BECAUSE THAT'S MY SPECIALTY
BUT ANY SHORT-RANGED WEAPON WOULD DO

TERMS AND CONDITIONS
1.) THIS IS NOT A WALK IN THE GODDAMN PARK. I AM NOT BATTLING FOR THE "LOLS" AND THE "FUNSIES", I AM FIGHTING TO *WIN*. I NEED A WEAPON WITH DREAMS AND HALF THE AMBITION I HAVE. TRUST ME, HALF IS ENOUGH.
2.) I NEED SOMEONE WHOSE BALLS WILL NOT SHRIVEL UP WHEN I SCREAM AT THEM. SERIOUSLY, HALF OF YOU NOOKSNIFFERS CRY AT EVERYTHING I SAY. IT GETS ANNOYING AFTER A WHILE. IF I WANTED TO MAKE YOU CRY, I WOULD DELIVER A HEAPING PILE OF TROLLING ON YOUR ASS OR JUST PUNCH YOU SQUARE IN THE FACE. YOU GUYS ARE MAKING THIS WAY TOO DAMN EASY FOR ME.

BENEFITS
1.) YOU WILL BE GRANTED FULL RIGHTS. YOU WILL BE FREE TO FROLIC AND TRIP ANYWHERE YOU WANT TO GO. SERIOUSLY, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT WHAT YOU DO AS MY WEAPON, JUST BE THERE WHEN I FIGHT. I'LL TEXT YOU OR SOMETHING.
2.) MY HANDS WILL BE KEPT TO MYSELF, IN CASE ANYBODY'S AFRAID OF MOLESTATION. I DON'T WANT TO TOUCH YOUR GROSS MAMMALIAN JUNK ANYWAY. ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE SHITHOLE SPECTRUM, I WON'T HURT YOU. I GIVE YOU MY WORD.
3.) I'VE BEEN INFORMED THAT THIS IS A PROBLEM SO FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY, I WON'T CALL YOU NAMES. THAT'S RIGHT, FOLKS. THERE WOULD BE NO SCATHING RETORTS OR TRUTHFUL JABS AIMED AT YOUR DIRECTION -- UNLESS YOU FUCK UP OR MAKE IT HARD FOR ME TO DO THIS OR YOUR LAST NAME HAPPENS TO BE STRIDER, THEN THAT'S YOUR OWN DAMN FAULT.
SO SIGN UP WHILE IT'S STILL HOT, FOLKS. SOME THINGS ARE NEGOTIABLE, SOME ARE NOT. NOT SURE? LET'S DISCUSS IT. PREPARE ME A POWERPOINT PRESENTATION.

P.S. IF YOU'RE GOING TO REPLY TO THIS WITH SOMETHING STUPID LIKE OOH MR. KARKAT PLEASE WASH YOUR MOUTH WITH SOAP, THEN KINDLY GTFO I DON'T GIVE A SHIT WHAT YOU THINK.

Comments

[straightupzorra]

You know, even if you're being pathetic and asking for Weapons over the network, you've got some balls and I can appreciate that. And I know you're an alien so don't go taking that the wrong way, I have no interest in having sex with you.

[threshprinceoffuckyou]

ARE YOU SAYING I SHOULD JUST GO DOOR TO DOOR AND ASK PEOPLE FOR WEAPONS WITHOUT KNOWING FIRST IF THEY'RE A MEEK LITTLE SHITFUCKS THAT WOULD REQUIRE TENDER LOVE AND AFFECTION???
HELL FUCKING NO.
I NEED WARRIORS, BITCH.
MEN AND WOMEN THAT HAVE POWER. AMBITION. COMBAT SKILLS AND NERVES OF STEEL.

[straightupzorra]

I'm saying you should just take them, you can find out what they are later, if they're strong then use them and if they're not then you're one Weapon closer to the win condition.

[threshprinceoffuckyou]

I WILL NOT FUCKING RESORT TO PETTY WEAPON GATHERING LIKE I'M THE CROWNED PIMPMASTER HUSSLELUSUS OF WEAPONS IN THE INTRICATE ASSCRACK KNOWN AS RAKUEN

[straightupzorra]

You know, I think I've got you figured out. You're in the closet, aren't you? That's why you're so angry all the time.

[PERSONAL EXPERIENCE, WHAT?]

[threshprinceoffuckyou]

I'M NOT IN ANY CLOSETS.
WHY WOULD I GO INSIDE CLOSETS, I AM NOT AN ARTICLE OF CLOTHING TO BE HANGED AND IGNORED UNTIL I HAVE TO LAUNDER.

[straightupzorra]

It's a human metaphor, it means are you hiding the fact you're gay?

[threshprinceoffuckyou]

GAY MEANS HAPPY RIGHT?
NO I'M NOT HIDING THE FACT THAT I'M HAPPY
I'M NOT FUCKING HAPPY.
I'M ANGRY.
ALL THE FUCKING TIME!
HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT BEFORE IT CAN GET ACROSS YOUR THICK SKULL???
I HATE YOU.

[straightupzorra]

Gay means you're a guy lusting after dicks, and you seem to be pretty phallus obsessed.

[threshprinceoffuckyou]

OH. *OH*.
I FINALLY GOT WHAT YOU MEANT.
YOU'RE ASKING IF I'M AN EARTH HOMOSEXUAL.
TO THAT I SAY:
HA. HA. HA. HA.
DO YOU REALLY THINK OUR ADVANCED SPECIES WOULD PRACTICE SUCH AN INFERIOR CONCEPT SUCH AS HOMOSEXUALISM?
PLEASE. WE DON'T EVEN HAVE WORDS FOR THAT -- WE JUST LIKE AND HATE WHO WE LIKE AND HATE OK????
OUR ROMANCE IS SO MUCH MORE COMPREHENSIVE AND SUPERIOR
AND YOU WONDER WHY YOU GUYS ARE SO WEAK AND STUPID

[straightupzorra]

I didn't hear any denial about it. Just because your species doesn't have a word for it doesn't mean that you can't be one. I have some pretty awesome gaydar and you're just giving off so many vibes. So who is the unlucky guy?

[threshprinceoffuckyou]

THAT'S BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING TO DENY, MORON.
I DON'T HAVE ANY PARTICULAR PREFERENCE IN GENDER BECAUSE THEY LOOK FUCKING THE SAME TO ME.
IF I HAPPEN TO BE WAXING BLACK OR PAIL OR FLUSHED OR ASHEN FOR A DUDE, THEN MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, THAT'S MY PROBLEM, ISN'T IT?
EITHER WAY
BONE BULGES? GIVE ME TWO!

[straightupzorra]

Dolorosa tried to explain quadrants to me once, they sound pretty stupid if you ask me. I'm going to throw being culturally sensitive out the window for a moment, even though I killed it long ago, and ask this. Is there really no difference between genders where you're from?

[threshprinceoffuckyou]

THEY'RE NOT STUPID
YOU'RE STUPID FOR NOT RECOGNIZING A SUPERIOR FORM OF ROMANCE WHEN YOU SEE ONE.

THERE'S A DIFFERENCE
I AM VERY OBVIOUSLY MALE.
WHILE THE DOLOROSA IS VERY OBVIOUSLY FEMALE.
ME. MALE. MANLY FUCKING LEADER OF THE CENTURY AND VOICE OF REASON.
THE DOLOROSA, FEMININE, BENIGN AND POSSIBLY DEADLIER THAN YOU COULD EVER IMAGINE.
BUT THAT DOESN'T REALLY COME INTO PLAY IN ROMANCE
THAT'S LIKE SAYING I PREFER SMART PEOPLE OVER DUMB ONES
IT HARDLY EVEN MATTERS UNLESS IT'S A BIG ENOUGH FUCKING ISSUE FOR YOU
IT'S JUST A GODDAMN FUCKING PREFERENCE.