Remembering [open]

[swordofzero]

Characters: Suzaku and anyone who dares approach
Format: I'm starting in prose, but will follow you
This log is: Open (the first part is closed to Lelouch, the rest is open to anyone and everyone)
Location: Out side the shop and then near the woods/drifting round town. The part with Lelouch is Friday afternoon and the rest is Saturday
Summary: Suzaku gets a memory back, it's not a good one.
Warnings: Angst, mentions of death, killing, weapons of mass destruction, self hating thoughts, more angst, also spoilers for code geass R2 ep18.

[Friday] Suzaku held the small bag containing the memory, he had used the money that had been left on his bed to buy it, or Lelouch had bought it as Suzaku couldn't. He had guessed the money had come from Fortitude's headmistress and she was hoping he would remember Zero's identity. Since the last memory he had regained, as his present off Feferi had been something so small he hadn't even realised he had forgotten it he was curious about what this one may contain. He looked to Lelouch to see if he wanted to go anywhere before activating it.

[Saturday] Suzaku's roommates will have noticed that Suzaku did not return on Friday evening, nor was he anywhere to be seen on Saturday morning. However nearing lunch time of Saturday he can be spotted leaving the woods. It doesn't look like he has slept, his clothes are damp from the snow slush that still persists on falling. If you get close enough you will see his knuckles are bruised and bleeding.

He wanders listlessly around town. His thoughts are still jumbled and unsure. The memory itself is blury, as if there is something missing. He can remember fighting, he can remember looking down on the crater that once had been the Tokyo settlement, but in between; nothing.

But there was no doubt it was him who had done that, who had killed all those people. He hadn't wanted to, thought he could carry the weapon and not launch it. Yet he had, he had and over thirty million people had died.

Died at his hand, he who claimed to dislike unnecessary violence, who wished to change things from the inside. He had caused so much death, so much suffering.

He ended up on the jetty staring out onto the water. All he had wanted since he was nine years old was to atone for his sins, to be given the death he deserved for the evils he had done. Yet... all he had done was caused more evil, more suffering...

[Does anyone dare to disturb him?]

Comments

[swordofzero]

Suzaku sat down and opened the bag, he thought he was probably not meant to be here, since he was not a prefect, but he was Lelouch's weapon so he perhaps he was. The rules were confusing on the matter. He clipped the charm onto the bracelet.

He was fighting Kallen, Nina was shouting that his real target was Zero. Kallen's Knightmare Frame was more powerful, he couldn't fight her off. But it was fine, it was his penance.

Then... He was hovering over the crater that was once Tokyo. He... he had done that? He... Suzaku began to shake, his eyes wide as he remembered, the amount of deaths, the continuous list of those who had died. Civilians.

All because of FLEIJA.

Suzaku just sat, staring, horrified. How had he forgotten that, how had he forgotten...

[veepofchess]

This was obviously not an inconsequential memory. Suzaku seemed to be rocked to his very core. Lelouch reached out to steady him. "Suzaku." He hoped talking to him would jar him back to reality.

[swordofzero]

Suzaku pulled away, he had... Nunnally had almost been killed in that blast. He had almost killed Lelouch's sister, he had killed so many for. He tried to stand but wobbled. "I... I... I fired FLEIJA," saying it outloud seemed to cement the memory as he remembered the aftermath, Jeremiah, Nina.

He stared at a blank piece of wall, fully expecting Lelouch to send him out.

[veepofchess]

Lelouch had heard what Suzaku said, but almost as soon as he had said it, he felt a dizziness set in. "You..." but he couldn't finish the sentence. His face was uncharacteristically blank. "What was the memory?"

[swordofzero]

Suzaku blinked. What... He stared at Lelouch for a moment before he remembered there discussion about Nunnally, Lelouch... had forgotten as well...

Suzaku didn't know if that made it better or worse... He took a few stumbling steps to the door. "I'm sorry Lelouch..."

How could both of them have forgotten...

[veepofchess]

"Wait Suzaku," he went to follow. He was pretty obviously confused. He couldn't realize what Suzaku meant due to the block made by the taken memories. He couldn't even keep enough information to blame the memories in the first place.

[swordofzero]

Suzaku paused and looked back at Lelouch, he wasn't sure what to say, if Lelouch had forgotten as well he would just continue forgetting. Yet Suzaku couldn't stay here, while he knew what he had done. He couldn't let Lelouch not know that he was angry at him, to accept his friendship knowing what a grievous wrong he had done.

"I'm sorry... I can't..." He should go...

[veepofchess]

He looked hurt, really, not angry. "I don't understand... What was it you remembered? You can tell me. Suzaku..."

[swordofzero]

"I did..." His words came out harsher than intended. "You've forgotten as well... but..."

Suzaku should go, he couldn't do this, after he had almost killed Nunnally to remain Lelouch's friend...

He tried to leave again.

[veepofchess]

He looked annoyed, but finally let Suzaku go. If there was a memory blockage, arguing it wouldn't make a difference.

Once Suzaku was gone, he leaned his back against the door. Slowly his anger built, into a hot fire. Ferocious and righteous, he was a force to be reckoned with. But he had nowhere to direct it for the moment.

He had to clear his head. And plan his next move.

[swordofzero]

Suzaku just looked at him for a moment before fleeing the room. He didn't go back to Conquest though, he didn't want to face anyone yet.