rakuen | Remembering [open]

Entry tags:

suzaku kururugi

Remembering [open]

Characters: Suzaku and anyone who dares approach
Format: I'm starting in prose, but will follow you
This log is: Open (the first part is closed to Lelouch, the rest is open to anyone and everyone)
Location: Out side the shop and then near the woods/drifting round town. The part with Lelouch is Friday afternoon and the rest is Saturday
Summary: Suzaku gets a memory back, it's not a good one.
Warnings: Angst, mentions of death, killing, weapons of mass destruction, self hating thoughts, more angst, also spoilers for code geass R2 ep18.

[Friday] Suzaku held the small bag containing the memory, he had used the money that had been left on his bed to buy it, or Lelouch had bought it as Suzaku couldn't. He had guessed the money had come from Fortitude's headmistress and she was hoping he would remember Zero's identity. Since the last memory he had regained, as his present off Feferi had been something so small he hadn't even realised he had forgotten it he was curious about what this one may contain. He looked to Lelouch to see if he wanted to go anywhere before activating it.

[Saturday] Suzaku's roommates will have noticed that Suzaku did not return on Friday evening, nor was he anywhere to be seen on Saturday morning. However nearing lunch time of Saturday he can be spotted leaving the woods. It doesn't look like he has slept, his clothes are damp from the snow slush that still persists on falling. If you get close enough you will see his knuckles are bruised and bleeding.

He wanders listlessly around town. His thoughts are still jumbled and unsure. The memory itself is blury, as if there is something missing. He can remember fighting, he can remember looking down on the crater that once had been the Tokyo settlement, but in between; nothing.

But there was no doubt it was him who had done that, who had killed all those people. He hadn't wanted to, thought he could carry the weapon and not launch it. Yet he had, he had and over thirty million people had died.

Died at his hand, he who claimed to dislike unnecessary violence, who wished to change things from the inside. He had caused so much death, so much suffering.

He ended up on the jetty staring out onto the water. All he had wanted since he was nine years old was to atone for his sins, to be given the death he deserved for the evils he had done. Yet... all he had done was caused more evil, more suffering...

[Does anyone dare to disturb him?]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ Look at that douchebag dragging his sorry ass around town. Karkat Vantas, life coach, can't take it anymore. It's his lunch break anyway, so he steps outside and yells: ]

HEY DOUCHEWAD, you're going to stink up the whole place the way you're marking your territory with your desperation. The fuck is your problem?

[Suzaku blinked at the shout, assuming the insult was for him. He stared at the troll for a moment but didn't answer.]

[ Karkat will not be ignored. ]

HOLY SHIT, I'M TALKING TO YOU, YOU LUMP OF SHIT. RESPOND.

[Well at least Karkat was treating him like Suzaku believed he deserved to be treated. He shrugged, wondering why the troll was so angry.] I apologise for bothering you.

[If there was a person who would dare approach a disturbed, upset, or listless person. It is Sis. Not that she can help in the emotional aspect of things, but she is here to listen.]

Kururugi. [Sis calls out to him. This was her spot by the water anyways. It's where she came when she needed to see her brother.]

What the hell is wrong?

[He looked up from the water at his name. Oh it was Sis, the sword teacher. He went back to staring at the water.] It doesn't matter.

[She sat down, right next to him. Sorry, that shit doesn't fly with her.]

You are free to speak with me. I will not tell a soul.

[He shrugs, it wasn't like it was a secret. Everyone knew, everyone from his world anyways. He had been the only one who hadn't, he had acted... like there was still a point in trying to change things for the better.

Forgetting that he was a murderer, and the only thing worth anything was Zero Requiem.]

I remembered something I should never have forgotten.

[Things like this happen Suzaku. Sis just doesn't know how to voice those things. You are so similar to her, Sis is forgetting that she was a decent parent. She just remembers telling Mom Lalonde how they had no business raising a child of any kind]

What may that be?

[He is silent for a very long time, he has never actually spoken it outloud... he never had to. The whole world knew about it, knew what he had done. No one wanted to talk about it, even the Britannian's had been shocked at the power of FLEIJA.]

I... [He didn't know why he was about to try and explain this, to someone who wasn't even from his world.] Do you have a Tokyo in your world?

Lelouch led Suzaku back to his room in the Prefect's Headquarters. As his Weapon, he didn't expect there to be a problem. Once they were in his room, he shrugged off his coat and got comfortable. "Whenever you're ready, Suzaku."

Suzaku sat down and opened the bag, he thought he was probably not meant to be here, since he was not a prefect, but he was Lelouch's weapon so he perhaps he was. The rules were confusing on the matter. He clipped the charm onto the bracelet.

He was fighting Kallen, Nina was shouting that his real target was Zero. Kallen's Knightmare Frame was more powerful, he couldn't fight her off. But it was fine, it was his penance.

Then... He was hovering over the crater that was once Tokyo. He... he had done that? He... Suzaku began to shake, his eyes wide as he remembered, the amount of deaths, the continuous list of those who had died. Civilians.

All because of FLEIJA.

Suzaku just sat, staring, horrified. How had he forgotten that, how had he forgotten...

This was obviously not an inconsequential memory. Suzaku seemed to be rocked to his very core. Lelouch reached out to steady him. "Suzaku." He hoped talking to him would jar him back to reality.

Suzaku pulled away, he had... Nunnally had almost been killed in that blast. He had almost killed Lelouch's sister, he had killed so many for. He tried to stand but wobbled. "I... I... I fired FLEIJA," saying it outloud seemed to cement the memory as he remembered the aftermath, Jeremiah, Nina.

He stared at a blank piece of wall, fully expecting Lelouch to send him out.

Lelouch had heard what Suzaku said, but almost as soon as he had said it, he felt a dizziness set in. "You..." but he couldn't finish the sentence. His face was uncharacteristically blank. "What was the memory?"

Suzaku blinked. What... He stared at Lelouch for a moment before he remembered there discussion about Nunnally, Lelouch... had forgotten as well...

Suzaku didn't know if that made it better or worse... He took a few stumbling steps to the door. "I'm sorry Lelouch..."

How could both of them have forgotten...

"Wait Suzaku," he went to follow. He was pretty obviously confused. He couldn't realize what Suzaku meant due to the block made by the taken memories. He couldn't even keep enough information to blame the memories in the first place.

Suzaku paused and looked back at Lelouch, he wasn't sure what to say, if Lelouch had forgotten as well he would just continue forgetting. Yet Suzaku couldn't stay here, while he knew what he had done. He couldn't let Lelouch not know that he was angry at him, to accept his friendship knowing what a grievous wrong he had done.

"I'm sorry... I can't..." He should go...

He looked hurt, really, not angry. "I don't understand... What was it you remembered? You can tell me. Suzaku..."

Edited 2012-02-22 15:54 (UTC)

"I did..." His words came out harsher than intended. "You've forgotten as well... but..."

Suzaku should go, he couldn't do this, after he had almost killed Nunnally to remain Lelouch's friend...

He tried to leave again.

He looked annoyed, but finally let Suzaku go. If there was a memory blockage, arguing it wouldn't make a difference.

Once Suzaku was gone, he leaned his back against the door. Slowly his anger built, into a hot fire. Ferocious and righteous, he was a force to be reckoned with. But he had nowhere to direct it for the moment.

He had to clear his head. And plan his next move.

Suzaku just looked at him for a moment before fleeing the room. He didn't go back to Conquest though, he didn't want to face anyone yet.

"Hmm... looks like someone hasn't been taking care of themselves." Came Britannia's voice as she approached from his side and calmly took one of his hands into her own, observing the bleeding knuckles.

The lake had been her area of solace lately, a replacement for the one she couldn't visit at home, which had been a swinging bench. She didn't seem to need it as much here, admittedly, but from time to time it was nice to have a moment's quiet to herself. Just to think and listen to the sounds of water, anyway.

That she found Suzaku here today was unsurprising, people came down to the water all the time to contemplate escape or just for the sake of wandering. What had been a shock was his soaked, "kicked-puppy" state. She'd never seen him so gloomy, which was saying something when gloomy was usually all he was. (Well, that and grimly determined.)

As she slid her thumb over bruised flesh and avoided the places where the skin had been broken, she sighed and finally looked up until his eyes. "Maybe Lelouch isn't the one who needs babysitting."

Suzaku blinked at the voice and looked down. Of all the people he really didn't want to talk to right now Britannia was very high at the top of the list. He stared at her emptily while she took his hands. He didn't want to talk to her, she confused him too much.

He should hate her, after all she was Britannia, the personification of Britannia, she had told him herself that she did what the people of Britannia wanted. Everything he hated about Britannia, she was that and more.

Yet she seemed to be as much of a pawn for the emperor, Charles, not Lelouch, as anyone else. She didn't seem to be overly violent or hateful, she didn't hate him. Or if she did she hid it way better than most nobles he had ever met.

It was just more things to be confused about, either way he didn't want to talk to her, he had done something awful and yet he knew she wouldn't see it that way. FLEIJA had shocked everyone but...

"You shouldn't worry about me." He didn't deserve this worry. He stared out onto the lake wishing she would go away.

Oblivious to his wishes, Britannia kept on holding Suzaku's hand, tsking at its condition. That he had been hitting things was obvious, though she supposed that was the numbers' way of resolving frustration. Certainly she had never felt the urge to hit things when she was angry, although that could be attributed to the fact that she had never been truly enraged. Just irritated or annoyed.

Either way, the whole thing seemed a little uncivilized and she felt the need to lightly scold him for that, though a single look at his face told her that would be pointless. Right now he was quite determinedly berating himself in his head. She could tell that much at least from his words and his expression. Later then, if she remembered.

"What are you talking about? Of course I'm going to worry about one of my people. Especially when they look as terrible as you do."

Suzaku ignored the concern about his hand, it would heal, they were only bruises. It didn't matter. Any pain that there was he deserved, that and more. After all he had done bruised knuckles were nothing.

He blinked at her, her words hitting him like a bullet. He jerked his hand away from her. "I'm not..." He trailed off, he had been about to say one of your people.

Except he was. He had given up being Japanese when he had joined the Britannian army and though he was never considered more than a honorary Britannian he guessed he was more one of her people than anything...

He just... How could he have done such an awful thing. He had wanted to change Britannia from the inside and free Japan, and yet he had unleashed FLEIJA on Tokyo...

"I..."

"You what?" Britannia pressed, her expression blankly pleasant as she watched him struggle to find the words to speak. She wondered what had rattled him so much as to be this disorientated. Usually he was always so focused, so single-minded and determined in achieving his goals, it was actually one of the things she strongly admired about him.

But today? Today he was distracted and fumbling. If she had to pick a word to describe him, it would be lost. The only question now, then, was why? What had happened to shove him so badly off his path that he couldn't find it again instantly.

But that was alright. Everyone fumbled sometimes, it was how they recovered (if they did at all) that mattered.

Suzaku was lost, he felt like he didn't understand anything anymore. Parts of his memory were still faulty, if he tried to think too hard about it he still felt dizzy. He didn't understand why he had fired FLEIJA, he could remember deciding not to, then he could remember looking down at the crater.

It wasn't exactly something he could have done by accident. He blinked at Britannia, remembering their earlier conversation and that there was much she didn't know, since like Lelouch she seemed to come from an earlier time than Suzaku.

"Do... do you know what FLEIJA is?"

"FLEIJA?" Britannia repeated blankly, which was probably answer enough. As she mulled over all the bits of information the government saw fit to give her and what she knew from the news reports broadcasted to the public, she finally had to conclude that she had never heard the term before.

"No, I don't. Is it one of his majesty's new divisions?" She asked after a moment, her smile never faltering. The fact that Charles would keep secrets from her wasn't a surprise when that was practically the norm. Oh, he'd answer honestly if she asked, but the problem was she never knew what to ask. How could she when the man was constantly doing things without giving her so much as a hint as to what those activities were?

Then again, he also wasn't the first emperor to act this way either, though that was probably just genetics. Ricardo had been very much the same, after all.

At Britannia's blank tone Suzaku realised she didn't know what he was talking about. He shook his head and stared back out onto the lake. He had been hoping he wouldn't have to explain. He could remain silent but he doubted she would leave him alone.

"It's a weapon, one capable of wiping out millions of lives in a moment." He shook as he spoke, he felt ill. He clenched his fists.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Remembering [open]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

[Friday]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject