[city wide network post: look who got a pda][jaws theme][karkat shut up]

[threshprinceoffuckyou]

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] opened memo RAUNCHY RAINBOW ASSHOLE SESSION --

IT FINALLY HAPPENED.
IT FINALLY FUCKING HAPPENED!
ROUND UP YOUR LITTLE NEWS SCUTTLEBUGS, VARIOUS PRINTING PRESSES AND EVERY FORM OF THINKABLE MEDIA
GATHER UP YOUR BELOVED AND HATED ONES AROUND THE EARTH FIRE
BECAUSE IT IS WITH A HEAVY HEART AND A CONSTIPATED EXPRESSION THAT I PRESENT TO YOU "THE NEWS"
KARKAT VANTAS HAS OFFICIALLY LOST HIS MIND!
IT TOOK HIM *THIS* LONG?
APPARENTLY, GIVE THE TROLL A PRIZE
YOU’D THINK THE FACT THAT HE CURSED HIS SUBORDINATES BY ACTIVATING A FILE, FUCKED HIS SESSION SIDEWAYS, WATCHED HELPLESSLY AS HIS TEAM CRUMBLED APART BEFORE HIS VERY EYES AND MURDERED EACH OTHER AND SENTENCED HIS NEW ALIEN PALS TO DAMNATION BY GIVING THEIR (SPOILER ALERT!!) UNIVERSE CANCER WOULD’VE DONE IT
BUT NOPE
WHO WOULD’VE THOUGHT THAT THE THING, THE ONE MINISCULE THING THAT WOULD PUSH HIM OFF THE EDGE OF SANITY INTO TEREZI’S PERSONAL GAME PARLOR, WOULD BE A DOUCHEBAG WITH PURSED LIPS AND A SUPER FLIGHTY BROAD DEBASING HIM IN FRONT OF HIS TEAM???
YEAH THAT WAS KIND OF A WILD CARD ENDING, HUH.

BEFORE ANY OF YOU NOOKWADS MAKE A MORONIC STATEMENT ABOUT HOW I AM APPARENTLY NOT FUCKING INSANE THEN LET’S CONSIDER THE OTHER POSSIBILITIES SHALL WE?
POSSIBILITY A: THE MORE LIKELY POSSIBILITY OTHER THAN INSANITY. I AM IN A FUCKING DREAMBUBBLE. HOLY MILKBEAST, BATMAN, WHAT A RELIEF! HOW ENJOYABLE IT IS FOR ME TO LAY UNCONSCIOUS ON TOP OF A PILE OF HARD-EDGED OBJECTS WHILE HORRORTERRORS VIOLATE MY YOUNG SUPPLE FLESH AND TEASE FORTH THE GENETIC MATERIAL FROM MY FREAKY ALIEN GENITALIA. THANK YOU, HORRORTERROS, BECAUSE MY SHAME GLOBES NEEDED A NEW MATESPRIT. THEY'RE NOT IN VERY GOOD TERMS WITH MY RIGHT CLAW RIGHT NOW!
POSSIBILITY B: THIS IS ALL FUCKING REAL.
HA HA HA HA HA
LOOK AT THESE QUIRKY WORDS SPEWING FORTH FROM MY ABSURDITY PALATE
BECAUSE THIS PLACE MAKES SO MUCH SENSE WITHIN THE CONTINUITY OF TIME/SPACE
LET ME WRITE ALL OF THIS DOWN FOR MY NEXT BOOK "THE MULTIVERSE: A DUMBASS'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY" WHERE I WILL BE LAUDED THE NEXT TROLL ALBERT EINSTEIN.

...
OK THE POSSIBILITY THAT THIS IS REAL IS STILL THERE AND IT MAKES NO GODDAMN SENSE BUT WHAT ELSE IS NEW.
TROLLS AND HUMANS THAT I KNOW, REPORT IN.
IF YOU DON’T REPORT IN AND YOU ARE ACTUALLY, IN FACT, IN THIS PLACE, WHATEVER IT IS, THEN LET ME JUST SAY YOU ARE GETTING A HEAPING DOSE OF "HAHAHA WOW" AND A SIDE ORDER OF "FUCK YOU AND JUST REPORT IN, YOU MENTALLY DEFICIENT PIECE OF SHIT."

FYI I AM PRESENTLY HELD HOSTAGE AT THE CAMPUS KNOWN AS "CONQUEST", HUNCHED SURREPTITIOUSLY WHILE I USE MY SHITTY NEW PDA AS MY PEERS PASS ME BY WITH HATEFUL JUDGMENT IN THEIR EYES.
IS THERE A MORE CONVENIENT COMMUNICATING DEVICE (A.K.A. HUSKTOP) BECAUSE THIS IS SHIT
NO, MY BAD, THIS IS THE SHIT SHIT *EATS*.

P.S. WHAT *ON EARTH* (LITERALLY) ARE BALLS
WHY ARE THEY REQUIRED TO DESCEND
DOES SANTANA HAVE THEM
AND MORE IMPORTANTLY IS SHE USING THEM TO ESTABLISH SUPERIORITY OVER ME

Comments

why can't i hold all these johns

[threshprinceoffuckyou]

JOHN, WHAT THE FUCK
DID YOUR THINK PAN DO A MUCH NEEDED REBOOT AND RENDER YOU STAGGERINGLY STUPID????
YOU JUST FUCKING RESPONDED
THIS ISN'T FACE TO FACE. YOU CAN *SEE* YOU JUST FUCKING RESPONDED.
IF THIS IS ANOTHER ONE OF YOUR RETARDED EARTH PRANKS, I WILL THROW MYSELF OFF THIS BUILDING AND I WILL SPLATTER AND TURN INTO ANOTHER PHASE OF MATTER COMPLETELY
DO YOU WANT THAT JOHN
DO YOU WANT YOUR BEST ALIEN BUDDY TO TRANSFORM INTO A PUDDLE??????

it's impossible, it would destroy the world as we know it

[doesthewindything]

what are you talking about?
this is the first time i've contacted you.
i promise it's not an earth prank!
what do you mean i just responded?
look i'm using a pda, i can come find you and prove it to you.
where are you??

slimy elusive bastards

[threshprinceoffuckyou]

SCROLL. UP. BULGESACK.

[ wait. waiiiit. he wants to meet???? okay time to clear up some tar off his teeth so they're nice and intimidating. ]

OUTSIDE.
I AM OBSERVING YOUR SPECIES INTERACT.
(FUCKING STUPID, BTW.)
BRACE YOURSELF AND TRY NOT TO BE BLOWN AWAY BY HOW INTIMIDATING AND FEROCIOUS I AM COMPARED TO YOU.

[doesthewindything]

ok i'll try not to!
i'll be right outside.

[And John turns off his PDA and goes outside the school grounds. Thanks to John actually having seen some trolls before, he kind of knew what to look for. So here he is looking for Karkat!]

[threshprinceoffuckyou]

[ As much as Karkat liked games -- okay, he doesn't like games, especially not Where's Waldo? He stands up in his five feet flat glory and screams: ]

JOHN.

[doesthewindything]

[Well that didn't take long.]

Karkat? [Yeah John's about as short as you are, man. Five foot one.]

[threshprinceoffuckyou]

[ fuck that inch sideways. ]

Bingo.

[doesthewindything]

[NOT LIKE JOHN CARES ANYWAY. THEY ARE NOW EQUALS.]

So hey! We finally get to meet. [And he shows Karkat his PDA. Scrolling up... hold it. There was text above John's responses to Karkat. But he didn't make them. He stares at the screen.] Wait, that's my text. But I didn't write that.

[threshprinceoffuckyou]

...Well, will you look at that? This place likes to fuck with people! That's new.

[doesthewindything]

Either that or someone's playing a mean joke on us. I don't think there'd be another me here anyway! [ha ha, throwing that out there, yeah. John's thinking rationally. At least, he hopes he is.]

[threshprinceoffuckyou]

I just fucking talked to him, you oblivious, gigantic ignoramus.

[ DOUBLE FACE PALM. ]

[doesthewindything]

So you're saying there is another of me. [And John completely misses the point. BUT HE HAS IT NOW DON'T WORRY. Just. The idea that there might be another of him here is very... he doesn't know how to feel about that actually.] I didn't think it was possible.

[threshprinceoffuckyou]

John.

Your incurable retardation is causing me physical pain.

[doesthewindything]

Okay okay, so there's two of me. I get that. [This is going nowhere. Fast.] So they want us to play some game and win rounds, and can bring more than one of us here.

[threshprinceoffuckyou]

Yes. But stop directing these stupid questions to me, because in case you haven't noticed, I just got here like you.

[doesthewindything]

Oh, right. Sorry. I was just pointing out what I've been told so far. Vriska told me about the 'winning rounds' part.'

... Actually I probably should ask what the last thing you remember is. So we're on the same page!

[threshprinceoffuckyou]

Wow, that isn't actually stupid! I remember you activating the Scratch and meeting up with Lalonde and Strider where Lalonde rightfully informed me about all the exciting tentacle molestation I'm going to be getting for three years.

You?

[doesthewindything]

That's about where I was, too! [Hey, at least that's something.] I'm on another ship with Jade heading to the new session. So we're at pretty much the same time.

[threshprinceoffuckyou]

Oh, is that so?

Well, then, fuck you for throwing that goddamn bucket at me! I was so fucking mortified; you debased me in front of my whole team, you putrid, good for nothing, ignorant little shit! I HATE YOU SO MUCH.

[doesthewindything]

What do you mean? I was just sending you a letter, Karkat! It was the only thing I could find fast enough so I could send it to you. I wasn't trying to debase you. [Well Karkat is always this loud anyway but jeez, John thinks he should take a chill pill.

A few of them.]

[threshprinceoffuckyou]

You sick, perverted, depraved bastard, you could've put the message into something that isn't a filial fucking pale! I thought you're trying to be culturally sensitive?