the most wonderful class of the year

[themidwife]

Characters: The Midwife... and YOU. (If you're a Fortitude student. Or if you sneak in I guess WHO KNOWS.)
Format: Action. Please, god.
This log is: open.
Location: In his classroom.
Summary: Day X of Sex Ed with Professor Midwife.
Warnings: Language and lots of screaming while talking about reproductive processes.

[ For once, Professor Midwife isn't sitting at the front desk before class. No questions can be fielded; there will be no assistance regarding romantic entanglements of any quadrant or general life lessons regarding survival. In fact, judging from his track record the first week, it's a safe guess that he might not be coming at all- ]

-uuuuuuuckiiiiiiiiing-

[ -OH WHOOPS THAT DOOR SURE DID JUST SLAM THE FUCK OPEN. The skinny troll stomps in almost sluggishly, a cup of some coffee-like sludge cradled in his hands, delicately sets down his drink, and collapses into his chair. For a moment, there is blissful silence from the candyblood's mouth - he just sits there, sipping at his beverage and massaging his temples.

And then the clock ticks one last time, the bell rings, and he surges upward, belting with a voice that should not come out of a body that size: ]

ALRIGHT, YOU MANGY LITTLE SLURRYSLURPERS. CLASS IS IN SESSION.

[ He points to a student, chosen at random. ]

YOU. Where the fuck did this class get to yesterday?

[ midwife maybe not having a lesson plan of any sort makes keeping track of these things difficult
maybe you should actually get your shit together
how about that midwife

yeah it was worth a try at least ]

Comments

[bloodandfire]

[Oh! She didn't expect to be put on the spot like that!]

[she has no answer prepared]

Your last lesson was so convoluted I could not tell you where we left off.

[this is obviously the best class]

[themidwife]

Maybe if you had put in the bare fucking minimum of an excuse for effort required to engage in a lecture setting, you'd have understood!

[ Oh, he has transcended butthurt. He is BUTTMAD. He is buttstrated. He is just quivering in his untied little space boots from all that rage. ]

But no. No. That's just too much to expect of anyone in this entire goddamn school, isn't it? It would be too much to ask of the universe that someone have the propensity of mind to remember what yesterday's fucking lesson ended on! THIS IS YOUR FAULT, UNIVERSE. YOUR PUNISHMENT AWAITS.

[ He turns around, grabbing a piece of chalk and scribbling rapidly on the board. About halfway in, it switches from roman lettering to hastily scrawled Alternian; when he notices, he just subtitles beneath it. As he writes, he speaks in an increasingly manic, increasingly high-pitched, increasingly furious tone. ]

Alternian Sex Education 101, taught by Professor Midwife. Day 1.

[ He turns around, pointing at Daenarys once again. ]

True or false: human reproduction is identical to troll reproduction. GO.

[bloodandfire]

[She stands up while he is screaming at her and slams her hands on the desk, deciding to yell back at him]

I will not be treated as such! While I may not be on this blasted island by choice, I am in this classroom by choice, same as every other student here. I do not care about your alien sex lessons, I am here because I will get a Rak if I come to class. That is what your class is worth, one coin.

[but then he's just asking her another question, frustrated she responds]

False.

[kissmyglass]

[...Well.

Kanako flashes him a smile and speaks in her usual sickeningly sweet manner.]

Ah, why does it matter where we got yesterday? You could just start on something new today if you don't remember.

[themidwife]

It matters because if there's not even a fucking semblance of flow, then there might as well not even be a narrative! Do you know what schoolfeeding is without some steady, proper flow of information? It's just heaving in front of a classroom until enough useless word-regurgitate has poured forth from the teacher's horrible, terrible, no good, nausea-inducing excuse for a thinkpan that all the students can understand the hints of words and lettering poking out from underneath THE SHAME.

[ He turns around, grabbing a piece of chalk and writing on the board.

CONCUPISCENT VS. CONCILIATORY. ]

We've at least gone over this in this period, right? Please, please tell me that I'm not so horribly incompetent as to have somehow missed detailing the most pitiably obvious distinction in romance possible. No, of course I am. What was I even thinking?

[ He deflates, turning to point at the lime-haired girl and ask a question. ]

You're a human, right? Alright, good, let's start it out this way. What do you think the difference is between these two?

[kissmyglass]

...I don't think you're horrible, terrible, no good, or nausea-inducing. [Another smile.

Then her voice takes a flirty turn.]

...I'm really not sure what those words mean, but I am sure that you'd do an excellent job of teaching me. Hmmm, but I wonder how hands-on your approach is?

[knightime]

[Why is he doing to this class? Why is he subjecting himself to this?

Dave stares at him blankly. Mostly because, did the other expect him to answer that in anyway?

Dave just gives Karkat a nonchalant shrug, staring ever so blankly at him.

If you can even tell with the sunglasses.]

[themidwife]

[ Strider.

The piece of chalk snaps in Karkat's hand. He glares daggers at the teen, scowl contorting further and further as he does. He will not falter. He will not fall. One of them will back down first, and it will not be THIS IS STUPID.

He turns back to the blackboard, bringing a hand up to rub at his forehead. ]

That didn't happen. From now on out, we are starting class again, and the horrible excuse we will refer to as "Past Midwife" can fuck right off into nonexistence. I will kick him into orbit myself.

[ With the half of chalk left in his hand, he begins to scrawl (in passable English lettering) onto the board:

RED VS. BLACK ]

Alright. Whoever understands the distinction between these two - as applied to romantic entanglements - raise your hand.

[knightime]

[Hahaha, Dave smirks. Look at you, a grown troll and losing it because he's in your class. This must be why he's in your class. To potentially annoy you just with his presence.

He stares at the board.

He stares back at Karkat.

This is the face of someone who knows jackshit what it means and ran out of fucks to give about it.

Sup. Enlighten him. Do it.]

[pencilpremonition]

You were gonna show us a porno.

[COMPLETELY deadpan. And yes, she would say that regardless of whether or not it was true.]

[savedbyasong]

Becca! [He is blushing so hard. He hates this class. It is the worst class.] Sorry sir. [Becca is just weird...]

[pencilpremonition]

Wha~at? Fastest way to learn is by doing, second fastest is by watching.

[savedbyasong]

[He is just staring at her, blushing even harder.]

[pencilpremonition]

[Now Becca is just trolling. She grab's Shion's hand and brings it to her lips, gently kissing his knuckles and starting to kiss up his wrist.]

[savedbyasong]

[Yeah he is moving. Sliding across a seat or two and staring at his notebook.]

[themidwife]

[ As the scene unfolds, Professor Midwife takes action. And by that I mean he stands where he is, points an accusing finger, and tells them to stop.

Repeatedly. ]

Stop. Stop that. Stop that right this instant. I can see you, you- stop it already, or so help me any mindless fairytale deity that might happen to be listening, I will break out the time-out chair.

[ ...they stop. Huh. Good thing that's a trump card in any world. After all, it's not like they could have naturally stopped what they were doing. He also takes keen note of just how the two of them are interacting. A mutual antagonism? No, it's far too flushed for that. He turns around, writing on the board:

REDROM (THE PITYING SIDE)

(NOT A PORNO) ]

Alright. [ He spins around, pointing the chalk menacingly at Shion. ] You. What is it that defines a red romance?

[pencilpremonition]

[Becca whines when Shion pulls away, and she gathers her things so she can scoot over a few seats and remain next to him. She pointedly does not try to molest him again. She looks up at their teacher and blushes vividly when she realises they're being called out for their actions, though she can't help an amused chuckle when Shion is called on.]

[savedbyasong]

[Why was she following him? He was trying to concentrate on this lesson. Except then he was called out and he blushed harder.

But he knew the answer to this, he had actually been paying attention in class.] Red romance seems to be the closest to what most humans would call romance. Mutual feelings of attraction though you said for trolls this attraction comes mainly from pity where in humans it would come from love.

[See Midwife, someone's been listening.]

[greenspaces]

Um.

[ oh god he's still scary ]

[allurprincess]

Ah.... [ oh he's pointing at her SHE HAS NO IDEA. ]

Wasn't it something about diamonds?

[afraid_of_my_shadow]

[This was the very last place he ever wanted to be. Ever. The fact that the first thing this teacher did was start yelling was rather unsettling as well. He just sat there, trying to look as small as he possibly could.]