[city wide network post: look who got a pda][jaws theme][karkat shut up]

[threshprinceoffuckyou]

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] opened memo RAUNCHY RAINBOW ASSHOLE SESSION --

IT FINALLY HAPPENED.
IT FINALLY FUCKING HAPPENED!
ROUND UP YOUR LITTLE NEWS SCUTTLEBUGS, VARIOUS PRINTING PRESSES AND EVERY FORM OF THINKABLE MEDIA
GATHER UP YOUR BELOVED AND HATED ONES AROUND THE EARTH FIRE
BECAUSE IT IS WITH A HEAVY HEART AND A CONSTIPATED EXPRESSION THAT I PRESENT TO YOU "THE NEWS"
KARKAT VANTAS HAS OFFICIALLY LOST HIS MIND!
IT TOOK HIM *THIS* LONG?
APPARENTLY, GIVE THE TROLL A PRIZE
YOU’D THINK THE FACT THAT HE CURSED HIS SUBORDINATES BY ACTIVATING A FILE, FUCKED HIS SESSION SIDEWAYS, WATCHED HELPLESSLY AS HIS TEAM CRUMBLED APART BEFORE HIS VERY EYES AND MURDERED EACH OTHER AND SENTENCED HIS NEW ALIEN PALS TO DAMNATION BY GIVING THEIR (SPOILER ALERT!!) UNIVERSE CANCER WOULD’VE DONE IT
BUT NOPE
WHO WOULD’VE THOUGHT THAT THE THING, THE ONE MINISCULE THING THAT WOULD PUSH HIM OFF THE EDGE OF SANITY INTO TEREZI’S PERSONAL GAME PARLOR, WOULD BE A DOUCHEBAG WITH PURSED LIPS AND A SUPER FLIGHTY BROAD DEBASING HIM IN FRONT OF HIS TEAM???
YEAH THAT WAS KIND OF A WILD CARD ENDING, HUH.

BEFORE ANY OF YOU NOOKWADS MAKE A MORONIC STATEMENT ABOUT HOW I AM APPARENTLY NOT FUCKING INSANE THEN LET’S CONSIDER THE OTHER POSSIBILITIES SHALL WE?
POSSIBILITY A: THE MORE LIKELY POSSIBILITY OTHER THAN INSANITY. I AM IN A FUCKING DREAMBUBBLE. HOLY MILKBEAST, BATMAN, WHAT A RELIEF! HOW ENJOYABLE IT IS FOR ME TO LAY UNCONSCIOUS ON TOP OF A PILE OF HARD-EDGED OBJECTS WHILE HORRORTERRORS VIOLATE MY YOUNG SUPPLE FLESH AND TEASE FORTH THE GENETIC MATERIAL FROM MY FREAKY ALIEN GENITALIA. THANK YOU, HORRORTERROS, BECAUSE MY SHAME GLOBES NEEDED A NEW MATESPRIT. THEY'RE NOT IN VERY GOOD TERMS WITH MY RIGHT CLAW RIGHT NOW!
POSSIBILITY B: THIS IS ALL FUCKING REAL.
HA HA HA HA HA
LOOK AT THESE QUIRKY WORDS SPEWING FORTH FROM MY ABSURDITY PALATE
BECAUSE THIS PLACE MAKES SO MUCH SENSE WITHIN THE CONTINUITY OF TIME/SPACE
LET ME WRITE ALL OF THIS DOWN FOR MY NEXT BOOK "THE MULTIVERSE: A DUMBASS'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY" WHERE I WILL BE LAUDED THE NEXT TROLL ALBERT EINSTEIN.

...
OK THE POSSIBILITY THAT THIS IS REAL IS STILL THERE AND IT MAKES NO GODDAMN SENSE BUT WHAT ELSE IS NEW.
TROLLS AND HUMANS THAT I KNOW, REPORT IN.
IF YOU DON’T REPORT IN AND YOU ARE ACTUALLY, IN FACT, IN THIS PLACE, WHATEVER IT IS, THEN LET ME JUST SAY YOU ARE GETTING A HEAPING DOSE OF "HAHAHA WOW" AND A SIDE ORDER OF "FUCK YOU AND JUST REPORT IN, YOU MENTALLY DEFICIENT PIECE OF SHIT."

FYI I AM PRESENTLY HELD HOSTAGE AT THE CAMPUS KNOWN AS "CONQUEST", HUNCHED SURREPTITIOUSLY WHILE I USE MY SHITTY NEW PDA AS MY PEERS PASS ME BY WITH HATEFUL JUDGMENT IN THEIR EYES.
IS THERE A MORE CONVENIENT COMMUNICATING DEVICE (A.K.A. HUSKTOP) BECAUSE THIS IS SHIT
NO, MY BAD, THIS IS THE SHIT SHIT *EATS*.

P.S. WHAT *ON EARTH* (LITERALLY) ARE BALLS
WHY ARE THEY REQUIRED TO DESCEND
DOES SANTANA HAVE THEM
AND MORE IMPORTANTLY IS SHE USING THEM TO ESTABLISH SUPERIORITY OVER ME

Comments

text

[themidwife]

CURRENT chaperonesGrubs [CCG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.

CCG: SWEET MOTHERGRUB OF FUCK
CCG: SHE'S TALKING ABOUT HER SHAMEGLOBES, YOU INCOMPREHENSIBLY DENSE PILE OF HOOFBEAST REGURGITATE.
CCG: PLEASE TELL ME YOU COUNTERED HER UNDOUBTEDLY PATHETIC ALIEN PECKING-ORDER ESTABLISHMENT.
CCG: ...
CCG: OH, WAIT.
CCG: YOU CAN'T.
CCG: BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T, DID YOU.
CCG: YOU KNOW WHAT?
CCG: I'M NOT EVEN SURE I HATE YOU ANYMORE.
CCG: ALL THAT'S LEFT IS THE SOUND MY FACE MAKES WHEN I SLAM IT INTO MY PALMS.
CCG: THAT IS HOW I FEEL FOR YOU, YOU PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A DNA-HOLDER.

STOP DELETING THINGS KARI I AM TRYING TO THREADJACK

[greenspaces]

oh no
there are
two of you?









D:

[themidwife]

NO
THERE IS ONE OF "ME"
AND ONE OF "THE UNSPEAKABLE FAILURE THAT COULD POTENTIALLY GROW UP TO BE ME."
OR, MORE LIKELY
"THE UNSPEAKABLE FAILURE THAT HAS SOMEHOW TAKEN ON THE SISYPHEAN FUCKING TASK OF BEING WORSE THAN ME."

HE IS HANDLING IT LIKE A GODDAMN CHAMP.
YOU GO, LITTLE FUCKASS!
KEEP FIGHTING THE GOOD FIGHT
MAYBE SOMEDAY, YOU'LL WIN A LITTLE CONSOLATION PRIZE
A TINY LITTLE CULLING FORK TO REFLECT ON
WHEN YOU THINK TO YOURSELF HOW UTTERLY MEANINGLESS YOUR LIFE HAS BEEN.

WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?
I HAVEN'T SEEN ANYONE WITH YOUR BLOOD COLOR YET.

[greenspaces]

oh nooo
that is even worse :(

i um
i am jade
you are the gray troll
the one that kept bothering me and i could not get to go away
you were mean :(

[themidwife]

ALRIGHT.
I THINK I UNDERSTAND HOW THIS WORKS.
CONGRATULATIONS, "JADE," EVERYTHING WILL SOON BE CLEAR.
JUST SHUT UP AND PREPARE TO BE SCHOOLFED.
(SINCE EVIDENTLY, THAT IS THE VOCATION FOISTED UPON ME THIS TIME.)

I AM ABSOLUTELY CONFIDENT I HAVE NEVER TALKED TO YOU BEFORE THIS.
AND FURTHER, I CAN SAY THAT, GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY TO TALK TO YOU
WERE YOU STANDING BEFORE ME AND WAVING FRANTICALLY
CALLING OUT MY NAME IN JOYOUS EXULTATION
IN SOME DESPERATE BID TO GRAB MY ATTENTION FOR WHATEVER REASON
I STILL WOULD NOT FEEL EVEN THE SLIGHTEST COMPULSION TO COMMUNICATE WITH YOU.
YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY CONFUSING ME FOR MY YOUNGER, SHITTIER VARIANT.
HE DOES THINGS LIKE "INITIATE CONVERSATIONS WITH PEOPLE WHEN IT'S NOT HIS FUCKING PLACE TO."
DOES THAT SOLVE YOUR PROBLEM, "JADE?"

ALSO ALL TROLLS ARE GRAY, DUMBSHIT

[greenspaces]

no
i mean, gray colored text
vriska says she is a troll and she types in blue

and my real name is jade
please do not put quotations around it :(

[threshprinceoffuckyou]

NO.
THERE IS ONLY ONE OF ME.
THE OTHER ONE IS A MUTANT BLOODED JACKASS
HE KEEPS HARASSING ME FOR GOD KNOWS WHY.
HE HAS BEEN A CONSPICUOUS, METER LONG THORN LODGED NEATLY INTO MY SIDE AND IT'S INFURIATING.
*IT'S INFURIATING*.

JADE, YOU SAD EXCUSE FOR AN EVOLVED MONKEY, RESPOND TO THE MEMO PROPERLY.
THIS IS MY MEMO.
THESE ARE MY RULES.

[greenspaces]

oh
but you both type the same.......








no
not if you call me mean names
i refuse to respond to the memo properly because you are mean
four months without you was so nice :(

[threshprinceoffuckyou]

NEVER MIND THAT.
HE'S OBVIOUSLY JUST JEALOUS OF MY GOOD LOOKS AND CHARM.

OH GOD, IS THIS WAY INTO THE PAST HARLEY, BECAUSE AUGH
I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS SHIT AGAIN
WE WERE ALREADY FINE FROM WHERE I CAME FROM.
BUT SINCE I DON'T HAVE PAST ME HERE TO MAN UP AND ACTUALLY BEFRIEND YOU THEN I'LL HAVE TO DO IT
EVEN THOUGH I REALLY DON'T WANT TO!
BECAUSE YOU ARE JUST SO FUCKING IMPORTANT TO ME
I'M SORRY FOR CALLING YOU NAMES.
ARE WE OK NOW???????

text

[straightupzorra]

Shameglobes? Really?

text

[themidwife]

YOU'RE THE ONE BRAZENLY MAKING ASSERTIONS ABOUT YOUR QUESTIONABLE ALIEN ANATOMY.
I'M JUST TRANSLATING FOR MY INEPT LITTLE COUNTERPART
SINCE EVIDENTLY, HE IS BARELY FUCKING CAPABLE OF STRINGING TOGETHER WORDS TO FORM A SENTENCE
MUCH LESS INTERPRETING THINGS LIKE
TONE
AND CONTEXT
WHAT'S THAT? NOW HE HAS TO DEAL WITH AMBIGUOUS SENTENCES WITH A CLEAR MEANING?
SWEET MOTHER OF FUCK HAVE MERCY

text

[straightupzorra]

Wow, you're really fucking annoying. I was just saying that if shameglobes are balls then you're mistaken, I don't have them. Human females don't have them, but you just seem so knowledgeable about human anatomy that I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you knew that. But that would mean that you're talking about my chest which you haven't seen and I'm not ashamed of. Long story short, you're a moron.

text

[themidwife]

HOLY SHIT
STOP THE PRESSES
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT "HUMAN" ANATOMY NOW
BUT WAIT THIS JUST CAME IN
BREAKING NEWS: IT WOULD BE PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO GIVE ANY LESS OF A FUCK.
I HAVE OFFICIALLY PASSED THE SCHWARZCHILD RADIUS FOR THE MASS OF FUCKS I GIVE RIGHT NOW (I.E. ZERO) AND SOMEHOW CREATED A BLACK HOLE
A VOLUMELESS MASS JUST SUCKING IN EVERY LITTLE BIT OF FUCK AND CRUSHING IT TO DUST
THAT IS HOW INDIFFERENT I AM TO YOUR RAMBLING LUNACY.
IN FACT, FUCK YOU
I'M JUST GOING TO STOP READING UNTIL YOU'RE DONE SPEWING TREACLE AND LIES.

OH, WHAT'S THAT?
YOU'RE FINISHED?
WHAT A FASCINATING LESSON ON YOUR TWISTED ALIEN BIOLOGIES!
I'LL BE SURE TO FILE THIS AWAY FOR LATER USE
WHEN I INEVITABLY FIND MYSELF NEEDING TO KNOW ABOUT THE HUMAN REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM.
WHICH WILL PROBABLY BE IN LESS THAN A MONTH.

GOD I HATE EVERYTHING SO MUCH RIGHT NOW

text

[knightime]

oh my sweet jegus fucking lord
DID YOU BOTH ARRIVE AT THE SAME TIME???
one asshole was bad enou-
...
chaperonesgrubs???
what are you
a mom???

text

[themidwife]

POINT A: FUCK YOU.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU, AND YET I ALREADY KNOW JUST HOW MUCH I HATE YOU.
POINT B: YES, WE ARRIVED AT THE SAME TIME, PROVING CONCLUSIVELY THAT DIVINE BEINGS CANNOT EXIST.
POINT C: WHAT THE FUCK IS A "MOM?"
I'M PRETTY SURE YOU'RE JUST MAKING UP WORDS AT THIS POINT.
POINT D: HOLY SHIT, YOU'RE EVEN LOWER ON THE SPECTRUM THAN I AM.
HOW THE FUCK HAVE YOU SURVIVED THIS LONG???
AT LEAST I HAVE THE DECENCY TO TYPE IN A LESS EYE-SEARINGLY FUCKAWFUL COLOR.
BUT YOU?
OH, YOU'RE TOO GOOD FOR THAT, AREN'T YOU.
WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

text

[knightime]

point a
not interested
go fuck yourself thanks
skipping point b because i dont want to know
point c
dictionary
use it learn it live it
but since you probably have no fucking clue
a mom is like a fucking lusus except it isnt one and actually describing what a mom is harder then i thought
look it up gog
wait
spectrum???
what are you fucking talking about???
dave strider
male
13
fortitude

[He was so polite, he gave you his asl. Isn't that nice?]

text

[themidwife]

"A FUCKING LUSUS EXCEPT IT ISN'T ONE."
WOW, GEE.
THAT'S FUCKING INCREDIBLE.
YOU SOMEHOW MANAGED TO SPEW SEVEN SOLID WORDS OUT OF YOUR HIDEOUS MAW THAT WERE EVEN LESS USEFUL THAN THE REST OF THE INCOMPREHENSIBLE BULLSHIT LEAKING FORTH FROM YOU.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU JUST SAID?
"THIS IS PROPOSITION A, EXCEPT IT IS NOT PROPOSITION A."
IF I WERE TO LISTEN TO YOUR INEBRIATED WORDVOMIT, I COULD LITERALLY PROVE EVERYTHING IN FORMALIZED MATHEMATICS.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT MEANS?

IT MEANS THAT
NOTHING
YOU
SAY
HAS
ANY
VALUE.

FUCK, ARE YOU SERIOUS?
FINE.
SINCE I HAVE TO LIVE IN YOUR PRESENCE FOR THE NEXT GOD KNOWS HOW LONG
(IF YOU CAN EVEN CALL THAT LIVING)
AND SINCE WE'RE EVIDENTLY THE SAME AGE
I MIGHT AS WELL GIVE YOU THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT AND EXPLAIN.

THE "HEMOSPECTRUM," AS THE NAME MIGHT IMPLY, IS A LOVELY LITTLE SYSTEM WHERE YOUR BLOOD COLOR QUICKLY INDICATES YOUR WORTH.
IT IS THE DOMINANT FORM OF DETERMINING WHO IS UP FOR CULLING NEXT IN THE BEAUTIFUL LAND OF ALTERNIA,
AND SOMEHOW YOU'VE MANAGED TO END UP AN EVEN SHITTIER COLOR OF RED THAN I HAVE.
AND CONSIDERING THAT I'M BASICALLY THE MOST HIDEOUS MUTANT EVER SEEN ON THE PLANET'S FACE?
CONGRATULATIONS, HUMAN DAVE STRIDER.
YOU'RE EVEN MORE WORTHLESS (IN ALTERNIAN TERMS) THAN I AM.

LET THAT SINK IN FOR A MOMENT.
CHERISH THAT AWARD, YOU STUPID LITTLE BALL OF FUCKSTAINS,
BECAUSE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN THIRTEEN SWEEPS SOMEONE HAS NOT JUST EQUALLED BUT SURPASSED ME IN ABSOLUTE AWFUL.

text 1/3

[threshprinceoffuckyou]

CCG: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE SAD AND PATHETIC ENOUGH TO TYPE OUT YOUR HANDLE INITIALS.
CCG: HOLY SHIT, I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M DOING THE SAME THING.

CCG: WELL EXCUUUUUUUUUSE ME, MASTER BULGESUCKER.
CCG: NOT ALL OF US WOULD INFER SUCH A THING
CCG: BECAUSE OF FYI, NOT ALL OF US ARE THINKING ABOUT PAILING SOMEONE ALL DAY, EVERYDAY
CCG: I KNOW THAT'S SUCH A HARD CONCEPT TO GRASP BUT IT'S TRUE, SOME OF US HAVE LIVES AND WORK TO DO.
CCG: BESIDES, ACCORDING TO THE HUMANS, SHE DOESN'T HAVE BALLS SO WHO'S THE IDIOT NOW????

CCG: SHE DID NOT.
CCG: I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE THIS.

text 2/2

[threshprinceoffuckyou]

-- CCG banned CCG from responding to memo! --
-- CCG is now banned from memo! --
-- CCG unbanned CCG from memo! --

CCG: MOTHERFUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

[themidwife]

CCG: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
CCG: DID YOU HONESTLY JUST TRY TO DO THAT?
CCG: YOUR INEPTITUDE IS ACTUALLY ASTONISHING.
CCG: JUST GIVE ME ONE MOMENT, I NEED TO LAUGH EVEN HARDER




CCG: OKAY, THAT SHOULD DO IT.
CCG: (ALL THE WHITE SPACE MEANS THAT IT TOOK ME THAT FUCKING LONG TO GET OVER YOUR IDIOCY.)
CCG: YOU CAN'T ESCAPE ME.
CCG: BECAUSE YOU CAN'T ESCAPE *YOURSELF.*
CCG: WELCOME TO YOUR WORST NIGHTMARES.
CCG: *OUR* NIGHTMARES.

[threshprinceoffuckyou]

CCG: FURTHER PROOF THAT GOD HATES ME AND WANTS ME TO SUFFER
CCG: WHAT WILL HE THINK OF NEXT??????

CCG: YOU KNOW I COULD STOP RESPONDING TO YOU ANYTIME I WANT, RIGHT.
CCG: BUT I WON'T.
CCG: BECAUSE I HATE YOU AND IF I'M GOING TO SUFFER, YOU'RE GOING DOWN WITH ME.

[wakingsavior]

holy shit, two karkats????????

[threshprinceoffuckyou]

NO.
*I'M* THE REAL KARKAT.
THE OTHER ONE IS A JEALOUS POSER THAT HAS A HANKERING FOR MY HATE BULGE BUT I WON'T GIVE HIM THE TIME OF DAY.

[wakingsavior]

everybody's the real them, duh.
so there are two of you!

[threshprinceoffuckyou]

NO.
THERE IS ONLY ONE ME, FOREVER.