[city wide network post: look who got a pda][jaws theme][karkat shut up]

[threshprinceoffuckyou]

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] opened memo RAUNCHY RAINBOW ASSHOLE SESSION --

IT FINALLY HAPPENED.
IT FINALLY FUCKING HAPPENED!
ROUND UP YOUR LITTLE NEWS SCUTTLEBUGS, VARIOUS PRINTING PRESSES AND EVERY FORM OF THINKABLE MEDIA
GATHER UP YOUR BELOVED AND HATED ONES AROUND THE EARTH FIRE
BECAUSE IT IS WITH A HEAVY HEART AND A CONSTIPATED EXPRESSION THAT I PRESENT TO YOU "THE NEWS"
KARKAT VANTAS HAS OFFICIALLY LOST HIS MIND!
IT TOOK HIM *THIS* LONG?
APPARENTLY, GIVE THE TROLL A PRIZE
YOU’D THINK THE FACT THAT HE CURSED HIS SUBORDINATES BY ACTIVATING A FILE, FUCKED HIS SESSION SIDEWAYS, WATCHED HELPLESSLY AS HIS TEAM CRUMBLED APART BEFORE HIS VERY EYES AND MURDERED EACH OTHER AND SENTENCED HIS NEW ALIEN PALS TO DAMNATION BY GIVING THEIR (SPOILER ALERT!!) UNIVERSE CANCER WOULD’VE DONE IT
BUT NOPE
WHO WOULD’VE THOUGHT THAT THE THING, THE ONE MINISCULE THING THAT WOULD PUSH HIM OFF THE EDGE OF SANITY INTO TEREZI’S PERSONAL GAME PARLOR, WOULD BE A DOUCHEBAG WITH PURSED LIPS AND A SUPER FLIGHTY BROAD DEBASING HIM IN FRONT OF HIS TEAM???
YEAH THAT WAS KIND OF A WILD CARD ENDING, HUH.

BEFORE ANY OF YOU NOOKWADS MAKE A MORONIC STATEMENT ABOUT HOW I AM APPARENTLY NOT FUCKING INSANE THEN LET’S CONSIDER THE OTHER POSSIBILITIES SHALL WE?
POSSIBILITY A: THE MORE LIKELY POSSIBILITY OTHER THAN INSANITY. I AM IN A FUCKING DREAMBUBBLE. HOLY MILKBEAST, BATMAN, WHAT A RELIEF! HOW ENJOYABLE IT IS FOR ME TO LAY UNCONSCIOUS ON TOP OF A PILE OF HARD-EDGED OBJECTS WHILE HORRORTERRORS VIOLATE MY YOUNG SUPPLE FLESH AND TEASE FORTH THE GENETIC MATERIAL FROM MY FREAKY ALIEN GENITALIA. THANK YOU, HORRORTERROS, BECAUSE MY SHAME GLOBES NEEDED A NEW MATESPRIT. THEY'RE NOT IN VERY GOOD TERMS WITH MY RIGHT CLAW RIGHT NOW!
POSSIBILITY B: THIS IS ALL FUCKING REAL.
HA HA HA HA HA
LOOK AT THESE QUIRKY WORDS SPEWING FORTH FROM MY ABSURDITY PALATE
BECAUSE THIS PLACE MAKES SO MUCH SENSE WITHIN THE CONTINUITY OF TIME/SPACE
LET ME WRITE ALL OF THIS DOWN FOR MY NEXT BOOK "THE MULTIVERSE: A DUMBASS'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY" WHERE I WILL BE LAUDED THE NEXT TROLL ALBERT EINSTEIN.

...
OK THE POSSIBILITY THAT THIS IS REAL IS STILL THERE AND IT MAKES NO GODDAMN SENSE BUT WHAT ELSE IS NEW.
TROLLS AND HUMANS THAT I KNOW, REPORT IN.
IF YOU DON’T REPORT IN AND YOU ARE ACTUALLY, IN FACT, IN THIS PLACE, WHATEVER IT IS, THEN LET ME JUST SAY YOU ARE GETTING A HEAPING DOSE OF "HAHAHA WOW" AND A SIDE ORDER OF "FUCK YOU AND JUST REPORT IN, YOU MENTALLY DEFICIENT PIECE OF SHIT."

FYI I AM PRESENTLY HELD HOSTAGE AT THE CAMPUS KNOWN AS "CONQUEST", HUNCHED SURREPTITIOUSLY WHILE I USE MY SHITTY NEW PDA AS MY PEERS PASS ME BY WITH HATEFUL JUDGMENT IN THEIR EYES.
IS THERE A MORE CONVENIENT COMMUNICATING DEVICE (A.K.A. HUSKTOP) BECAUSE THIS IS SHIT
NO, MY BAD, THIS IS THE SHIT SHIT *EATS*.

P.S. WHAT *ON EARTH* (LITERALLY) ARE BALLS
WHY ARE THEY REQUIRED TO DESCEND
DOES SANTANA HAVE THEM
AND MORE IMPORTANTLY IS SHE USING THEM TO ESTABLISH SUPERIORITY OVER ME

Comments

...the icon isn't really related to the post, i just wanted to use it. >_>

[wakingsavior]

karkat!
jade and dave and vriska and i are in fortitude so we probably won't see each other all the time, but we're here!
um...
well, i guess it's possible we've all completely lost it.
or are dreaming.
it feels pretty real, though.
like when i hurt my wrist when i kind of punched-- uh, someone the other day.

santana's the conquest prefect, isn't she?
she doesn't have balls.
uh.
balls are sort of.
human male
reproductive





things.

a friendly face. a forlorn face.

[threshprinceoffuckyou]

JOHN, I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SAY THIS, BUT THANK FUCKING GOD YOU AND JADE ARE HERE.
FINALLY TWO PEOPLE WHO AREN'T STAGGERINGLY INFURIATING!
I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT STRIDER, HE CAN PAIL A HOOFBEAST FOR ALL I CARE.

OH RIGHT YOUR RETARDED MAMMALIAN ALIEN JUNK.
SO THAT'S WHY SHE WAS SO FUCKING OBSESSED WITH THEM.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN HERE AND WHAT'S THE LAST THING YOU REMEMBER FROM THE TIMELINE?

i clearly need to get some icons with karkat in...

[wakingsavior]

i've been here a week.
last thing i remember, i was taking an epic nap on my quest bed.
and then i was on the train.
it was kind of unnerving.

oh, but, uh... if santana was saying things about your balls dropping?
she's basically saying you're a little kid.

here have another John! whether he's in the comp room or not is your choice

[doesthewindything]

hi karkat!
i hope we're not crazy cause this seems real to me.
maybe i could get someone to pinch me and we'll find out?
anyway i'm in conquest too! so we'll get to finally meet I guess.
isn't santana that girl that led us to the conquest dorms?
oh i'm already moved in too, found out dave's in conquest too! maybe more of us are here. did you ever hear from any of the other trolls?

[herplaceinthesun]

. . .

Why is this so damn long?

this is a thing of beauty

[fabricates]

CURRENT arachnidsGrip [CAG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.

CAG: TL;DR.
CAG: Seriously, Vantas? You're in a place you don't recognize and your first inclin8tion is to put up a memo????????
CAG: I'm em8arrassed to call you our gr8 leader. Which, 8y the way, you still really suck at.

[isur2ndprincess]

Excuse me, Mr. Vantas, there is a way to turn off the caps lock.

have a sis. :T

[smupette]

you and i have both lost it then.

santana said your balls should drop?
she called you a pussy bro.
a weakling.
man up troll.

[knightime]

jegus on a fucking shit cracker
no fucking seriously
why did you think it was a good idea to type so much
do you know how annoying it is to scroll through this much text on a tiny ass pda???
its a fucking bitch
also wow
insufferable prick
thank you very much
keep your douchebag comments to yourself
also rise and shine sleeping beauty
this isnt a dream
and youre stuck smack dab in the middle of some bullshit game
welcome to rakuen
this is not disneyland
so dont expect the happiest place on earth
haha
oh shit
fuck that hurt
santana just fucking made fun of you
probably called you a fucking pussy oh my fuck

[has_soothing_bells]

I am unsure myself. However, I counted at least one instance of rather improper language, so I did not read the entire thing.

[has_soothing_bells]

What is this dribble, and why is is so large and long?

[straightupzorra]

I can't believe you actually asked what balls are.

if i get a paid i will also upload john and karkat and i promise they wont be kissing on the mouth

[threshprinceoffuckyou]

HUH, OK.
YOU'RE WAY BACK IN THE TIMELINE.
DULY NOTED.
SPOILERS: WHEN YOU GO BACK TO THE ALPHA, YOU'RE IN FOR A HOOT.

SHE CAN GO CHOKE ON SOMEONE'S HAIRY MAMMALIAN EARTH BALLS THEN

text

[themidwife]

CURRENT chaperonesGrubs [CCG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.

CCG: SWEET MOTHERGRUB OF FUCK
CCG: SHE'S TALKING ABOUT HER SHAMEGLOBES, YOU INCOMPREHENSIBLY DENSE PILE OF HOOFBEAST REGURGITATE.
CCG: PLEASE TELL ME YOU COUNTERED HER UNDOUBTEDLY PATHETIC ALIEN PECKING-ORDER ESTABLISHMENT.
CCG: ...
CCG: OH, WAIT.
CCG: YOU CAN'T.
CCG: BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T, DID YOU.
CCG: YOU KNOW WHAT?
CCG: I'M NOT EVEN SURE I HATE YOU ANYMORE.
CCG: ALL THAT'S LEFT IS THE SOUND MY FACE MAKES WHEN I SLAM IT INTO MY PALMS.
CCG: THAT IS HOW I FEEL FOR YOU, YOU PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A DNA-HOLDER.

STOP DELETING THINGS KARI I AM TRYING TO THREADJACK

[greenspaces]

oh no
there are
two of you?









D:

[themidwife]

NO
THERE IS ONE OF "ME"
AND ONE OF "THE UNSPEAKABLE FAILURE THAT COULD POTENTIALLY GROW UP TO BE ME."
OR, MORE LIKELY
"THE UNSPEAKABLE FAILURE THAT HAS SOMEHOW TAKEN ON THE SISYPHEAN FUCKING TASK OF BEING WORSE THAN ME."

HE IS HANDLING IT LIKE A GODDAMN CHAMP.
YOU GO, LITTLE FUCKASS!
KEEP FIGHTING THE GOOD FIGHT
MAYBE SOMEDAY, YOU'LL WIN A LITTLE CONSOLATION PRIZE
A TINY LITTLE CULLING FORK TO REFLECT ON
WHEN YOU THINK TO YOURSELF HOW UTTERLY MEANINGLESS YOUR LIFE HAS BEEN.

WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?
I HAVEN'T SEEN ANYONE WITH YOUR BLOOD COLOR YET.

why can't i hold all these johns

[threshprinceoffuckyou]

JOHN, WHAT THE FUCK
DID YOUR THINK PAN DO A MUCH NEEDED REBOOT AND RENDER YOU STAGGERINGLY STUPID????
YOU JUST FUCKING RESPONDED
THIS ISN'T FACE TO FACE. YOU CAN *SEE* YOU JUST FUCKING RESPONDED.
IF THIS IS ANOTHER ONE OF YOUR RETARDED EARTH PRANKS, I WILL THROW MYSELF OFF THIS BUILDING AND I WILL SPLATTER AND TURN INTO ANOTHER PHASE OF MATTER COMPLETELY
DO YOU WANT THAT JOHN
DO YOU WANT YOUR BEST ALIEN BUDDY TO TRANSFORM INTO A PUDDLE??????

[cullscuttlefish]

)(ello to you, too, Karcatfish. T)(e PDAs aren't t)(at bad, and )(ey, you're in t)(e same sc)(ool as me! T)(at is pretty awesome.

No, t)(is is not a dreambubble. It is pretty real and pretty --EXCITING!

...and. Um. Awkward! Bot)( the veiled insult to my lusus and t)(e, well. Question about w)(et)(er )(uman girls )(ave human guy anatomy bits.

You mig)(t want to conc)(sider a trip to the library)(ive and reading a little on cultural sensitivity.

[threshprinceoffuckyou]

BECAUSE IT IS ONE OF LIFE'S MANY BEAUTIFUL MYSTERIES
A BETTER QUESTION YOU SHOULD BE ASKING WOULD BE:
WHY ARE YOU SO FUCKING STUPID?????

[greenspaces]

oh nooo
that is even worse :(

i um
i am jade
you are the gray troll
the one that kept bothering me and i could not get to go away
you were mean :(

blushes demurely

[threshprinceoffuckyou]

[ ohhhh god the living dead is talking to him oh god oh god oh god COOL IT VANTAS. ]

STFU!!!!!!
I AM ORGANIZED
I AM IN CONTROL
SO EXCUSE ME IF MY FIRST INCLINATION ISN'T TO HARASS AND MANIPULATE EVERY LIVING THING UNDER THE SUN, BECAUSE *SOMEONE* HAS TO GATHER UP THE LITTLE OINKBEASTS BEFORE THEY TERRORIZE THE VILLAGE.

[threshprinceoffuckyou]

WHO THE FUCK USES CAPSLOCK????
I USE THE SHIFT KEY LIKE A MOTHERFUCKING WINNER.

[themidwife]

ALRIGHT.
I THINK I UNDERSTAND HOW THIS WORKS.
CONGRATULATIONS, "JADE," EVERYTHING WILL SOON BE CLEAR.
JUST SHUT UP AND PREPARE TO BE SCHOOLFED.
(SINCE EVIDENTLY, THAT IS THE VOCATION FOISTED UPON ME THIS TIME.)

I AM ABSOLUTELY CONFIDENT I HAVE NEVER TALKED TO YOU BEFORE THIS.
AND FURTHER, I CAN SAY THAT, GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY TO TALK TO YOU
WERE YOU STANDING BEFORE ME AND WAVING FRANTICALLY
CALLING OUT MY NAME IN JOYOUS EXULTATION
IN SOME DESPERATE BID TO GRAB MY ATTENTION FOR WHATEVER REASON
I STILL WOULD NOT FEEL EVEN THE SLIGHTEST COMPULSION TO COMMUNICATE WITH YOU.
YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY CONFUSING ME FOR MY YOUNGER, SHITTIER VARIANT.
HE DOES THINGS LIKE "INITIATE CONVERSATIONS WITH PEOPLE WHEN IT'S NOT HIS FUCKING PLACE TO."
DOES THAT SOLVE YOUR PROBLEM, "JADE?"

ALSO ALL TROLLS ARE GRAY, DUMBSHIT

[isur2ndprincess]

I'm sorry sir, I did not know. But it is customary to only capitalize the first word of a sentence or proper nouns.

text

[straightupzorra]

Shameglobes? Really?